On Days Like These Series
by IlovetowriteSMP
Summary: Short stories. COMPLETE.
1. Greenlee

1**This is a series of one shots written for Soap Fan Fiction, link in my bio.**

**More Than a Memory- Greenlee Smythe Du Pres**

I wake from the dream, still feeling her arms around me, to find I am staring into my own darkened bedroom and not her eyes.

It has been 267 days since I last hugged Kendall. Most mornings when I wake up I tell myself to be grateful for what I have- Aiden sleeping next to me each night, my company, my health, and lets not forget I am not behind bars like I almost ended up when Kendall framed me for kidnapping.

I'm barely thirty, in the prime of my freaking life. I look good in a bathing suit still. I own stock in Fortune 500 companies and can buy as many pairs of designer high heels as I want. What more could a girl ask for, right?

But I'm selfish. I'm greedy. I'm a taker. I want more, more, more- what should be mine, what is right. I want a baby in my arms. I want Kendall by my side the day I first hold my daughter. The surrogate is six months pregnant now.

I want and I want, and I ache and I ache. But she is still gone. I see her in town. She speaks to everyone I know. Our father, our stepsister, the man we both loved once, Ryan...she speaks to me at work, but that doesn't count.

I want to hate her. I did hate her for a while there. I hated her from the top of her lovely head of hair to the bottom of her perfectly manicured toes. And her hubby- I want him_ dead_. Air is too good for that bastard.

All in all, Aiden says it is good this way. We are cival with Zach and Kendall. That is more than we could be right after they got me arrested on trumped up charges. But cival, well, that is a far cry from the sisterhood I crave with her. She belongs to me; I belong to her.

Sometimes I dream of killing Zach Slater. Sometimes I dream of forgiving Kendall, and her forgiving me. Sometimes I dream that we both have two babies- boys for her, girls for me. And in those dreams she never wanted me to rot in a prison cell, and I never wanted to steal her son. In those dreams, she still loves me, and I can say, aloud, "I love you," to her.

_People say she's only in my head  
It's gonna take time but I'll forget  
They say I need to get on with my life  
They don't realize-_

is when you're  
dailing six numbers just to hang up the phone,  
Driving cross town just to see if she's home,  
Waking a friend in the dead of night just to hear him say it's gonna be alright.

When you find the things to do not to fall asleep  
Cause you know she'll be there in your dreams

That's when she's  
more than a memory 

I will have a child of my own soon, hopefully with Aiden's eyes and my fashion sense. My daughter will not call Kendall Auntie. She will not ever see the bond we shared. She won't have playdates with her cousins Spike and Ian. All those things are just be fanstasies in my head as 267 turns into 268 days that I have not hugged Kendall.

_Took a match to everything she ever wrote  
Watched her words go up in smoke_

Tore all the pictures off the wall  
ain't helping me at all 

_Cause when you're talking out loud and nobody's there  
You look like hell and you just don't care_

Drinking more than you ever drank  
and sinking down lower than you ever sank

When you find yourself falling down upon your knees  
Praying to God and begging him please

That's when she's more than a memory 

She's more...

She's more... 

Aiden sleeps next to me. I hate to wake him up but he's used to it by now. If I don't wake him then I will probably end up running out the door, jumping in my car and driving past her place to see if the light is on, wondering if she is up drinking tea and thinking about how we messed this whole thing up.

But I know it is just a fantasy to think she misses me like I miss her. In every cell of my body, in my heart, my blood, my bones...I miss Kendall and I don't expect to ever stop.

I see her everyday. But its just not the same.  
Shaking Aiden's shoulder, I wait for his eyes to open and then say. "I had that dream again. Maybe I should call her."

He pulls me close, so that my back rest snugly against him. His arm wraps around my stomach, and he buries his face in my hair. "You can't call her at 4 am. Go to sleep, luv."

I close my eyes. The clock ticks, another minute gone by.

Into the blackness of the night, I whisper "I want her back."

"I know you do."

He doesn't say more. He doesn't have to. I can want her back every second of every day, but that doesn't mean she will ever come back to me. She's my best friend, my sister, she's in my heart, and nothing changes that. So I do the only thing I can now- after I have begged and screamed and raged at her about how wrong this all is- I wait.

_People say she's only in my head  
It's gonna take time but I'll_

forget 

Garth Brooks lyrics.


	2. Kendall

1**This is a series of one shots written for Soap Fan Fiction, link in my bio.**

**Where We Are Now**- Kendall Hart Slater

The first time I saw him holding my youngest son, it took my breath away. I stood there in my living room, hovering on the stairs, as my nanny passed Ian into Ryan's arms, and then headed to the kitchen to warm a bottle.

I had just come from Spike's room, where he was taking a nap. I knew Ryan was coming over because I invited him here but I hadn't known it would affect me like this to see him cradling my near newborn baby boy.

They look right together. The tender way Ryan smiled down at Ian melted my heart and made me ache for all the things I know I can never have back- for the life with Ryan that I would have killed to get.

Yes, murder would not have been too far to go to make that man mine for life...but nothing could do that, then or now.

Ryan turns slightly, so that his light blue eyes are focused on me. "He's gorgeous, isn't he? And strong. He's squeezing my finger with the grip of a prize fighter. He's gonna be a tough little man."

"Well, in this family," I say as I come and join them on the couch "he's going to have to be, right?"

Smiling, Ryan nods. "Probably."

"Definitely."

For a long moment, we just sit there in comfortable silence, and I think I could be like this forever.

Do I love my husband? Yes.

Am I happy I have a baby with Zach? I am. I love Ian and wouldn't change a thing about him, even who his father is.

But does it feel like something, somewhere, went wrong? That Ryan should have chosen me over anyone other woman on earth? Hell yes.

It felt that way the moment I watched him marrying Greenlee and, later, when he married Annie, and it still feels that way now but there is no time to dwell on what might have been.

Because for the first time in months things are calm around here. Zach is home again and its time to make plans for the future. All I have to do is find the words to tell Ryan.

He asked, "So, what is it you need, Kendall? Why did you want me to stop by today? Everything is okay with Spike, isn't it?"

"He's perfect. I wanted to talk to you about his little brother, actually."

"Oh yeah? Well, you know Ian is welcome to come and spend time at my place whenever Spike does. Emma is already crazy about him and I..." his eyes glistend slightly with unshed tears when he said, "I'm glad he pulled through after being born so early. Not like I had any doubt though. A kid of yours...I would expect to be one hell of a fighter."

_I fought for you, Ryan. Remember that?_

(There were moments of gold  
and there were flashes of light

There were things I'd never do again  
But then they'd always seemed right

There were nights of endless pleasure  
It was more than any laws allow  
Baby Baby )

Pushing the past from my mind, I concentrate on building a future I can live with, out of what little options I have left now. This isn't about what I would have chosen in a perfect world, it is about what I can chose within the wreckage of the rebuilt lives Ryan and I have now.

_This isn't perfection, but its what we have now. This is our happy ending_..._everything else is just days gone by._

(There were those empty threats and  
hollow lies

And whenever you tried to hurt me  
I just hurt you even worse  
And so much deeper

There were hours that just went on  
for days  
When alone at last we'd count upall the chances

That were lost forever )

Looking right into his eyes, I said "I need a favor from you...or Ian does, actually."

"Anything."

"Just like that?"

"You know we're a family. Whatever you need, you'll get. I'll see to it."

If only he had said that before he was someone else's husband. Though inside my heart was cracking, a smile curved my lips, because I knew he would do anything to make our family safe and happy. They way things are now- him with Annie, me with Zach- works. I never would have imagined this is how it would all turn out.

_I'm lucky. Why don't I feel that way? _

"I want you to be Ian's godfather. Could you do that for me? For him?"

He looks stunned. "Seriously?"

"There's no one else I would want...but if you don't feel uncomfortable, you can say no."

His eyes move from mine down to the baby in his arms.

I tell him, "I trust you with both my boys one hundred percent but, you know me, I always need to be reassured . I need to hear the words aloud. I need to know that if anything ever happens to me and Zach that you will raise Ian right alongside Spike and Emma, that you will be there for my son if I can't."

"You know I will. I'd be honored to be his godfather."

Whispering, I tell him "Thank you."

Just as softly, he says back "Don't mention it."

Rachel came back with the bottle for Ian. She lifted him out of Ryan's arms and took him up to the nursery.

When we were alone again, Ryan touched my arm and said "You will be around to raise both your sons. The worst is behind us. From now on it will be nothing but blue..."

"Sky days," I finished, mentioning his mother's nickname for the best days in life, days when nothing can go wrong and life is bliss.

_I thought all our blue sky days would be spent together, Ryan._

As if he can read the regrets in my eyes, Ryan sighed and looked away.

(If you forgive me all this  
and I forgive you all that

We forgive and forget

And it's all coming back to me)

"Well," he says "I better take off. I need to get into the office. Did Zach tell you he's thinking of financing a project Jonathan is working on?"

"Yeah, it sounds promising."

I walked with Ryan over to the door.

"Something to pass the time on, at least."

"Keep you boys out of trouble," I say with a smirk.

His grin cuts right into my soul. Its as boyish as he looked the day we met._ Damn, I miss The Pine Cone Motel_.

But then I think about my two little ones who are upstairs, and I know I wouldn't go back in time if I could. _There is no looking back now._

Ryan pulls me out of my thoughts by touching my elbow. "Hey, Ken, thanks for asking me...its good to know you still...have some faith left in me."

"Always."

_I will never stop believing in you, Ryan, even if its foolish, and crazy, and just plain wrong. I can't help how much I love you_.

"Even with all the ways we screwed up," he started.

"You screwed up," I joke. "Going off a cliff..."

"Okay, okay. I screwed up and you were perfect."

"You better believe it, buddy."

"Even after all the craziness of the past," Ryan said "its all worked out pretty good. This is better than it would have been if..." _we ended up together,_ goes unspoken.

I swallowed hard.

Ryan asked, knowing I knew what he was getting at, "Don't you think?"

"Yeah, better," I lied.

He bent and kissed my cheek. His hand raised and ran through my hair for a moment that didn't last nearly long enough, then he stepped away, opened the door and left me behind- for the thousandth time, at least.

Into the empty room- where I was alone with just myself and the truth that I can't not escape- I lie, one more time, wishing it was the truth. "Sure, this is better. Yeah, right."

(When you see me like this  
and when I see you like that

We see just what we want to seeAll coming back to me

I can barely recall but it's all coming  
back to me now...)

Celine Dion Lyrics


	3. Aiden

**GONE**

**Aiden Devane**

_39 hours, 8 minutes_, _52 seconds_

As I rush through the doors of the Martin Devane Detective Agency, I glance at my watch for the millionth time. Every few minutes I look again, not able to help myself, and each time it hits me like a bullet to my gut-she's gone.

_Not gone, mate. Missing. Greenlee is just missing- for now. Not forever...not...forever..._

Ripping open the desk drawer, my mind races, and its hard to remember what I am even looking for. Each time I blink, even closely my eyes for that brief fraction of a second, an image of her flashes behind my eyes. She's on the beach, laughing and rolling her eyes at me. She's in the bar teasing me about being a loser at love. She's looking like every sin I ever committed, like fast cars, like hot nights, like heaven and hell and hope. She's holding a watch that she thinks has some grand romantic story attached to it, making up long lost lovers that had everything she wants for herself. I hear her in my head. If I went to sleep, which I won't till she comes home, I know she would be right there in my subconscious every second I was out.

How did she become such a part of me already? And why doesn't that scare me at all?

I grab the map, open it and pin it up on the wall. My finger jabs the last spot I know Greenlee was while my eyes roam over the roads and fields surrounding that place.

_Where are you, Greenlee?_

(_Was it something I said  
to make you turn away?_

_  
To make you walk out and leave me cold._

_If I could just find a way  
to make it so that you were_

_right here_

_  
But right now..._

_I've been sitting here.  
Can't get you off my mind._

_I've tried my best to be a man and be strong._

_  
I've drove myself insane  
wishing I could touch your face  
but the truth remains.._

_you're gone._

_  
You're gone._

_  
Baby, you're gone._

_  
Girl, you're gone._

_Baby girl, you're gone._

_  
You're gone.  
You're..._..) ( N sync)

"Hell!" In frustration, I slam my hand against the wall just as I hear some knocking on the front door.

_39 hours, 14 minutes, 34 seconds since I saw her last._

I jerk open the door to see Kendall Hart standing there in the rain. She' s perfectly pulled together- from her curled brown ringlets to her maroon wrap around dress with a black wool coat draped over it- and I resent her for it instantly.

How dare she look like that? She should be wrinkled and sweaty and dirt covered like me. But then I look in her eyes and they are nothing short of frantic.

"I don't have time."

"Aiden, I need your help." Kendall pushes her way inside. "And I am not leaving until you agree to give it to me."

Ignoring her, I grab my cell and start dialing.

"Look at this," she says and then pulls papers out of her bag. The top one is a flyer that announces Zach is missing and there is a 1,000,000 dollar reward. Underneath that seems to be a pile of notebook paper.

"You're trespassing."

"So call the cops," Kendall snaps at me. "Wait a minute. You aren't calling the cops, are you? I'm not here to harass you. I need your professional assistance. I can pay whatever you want."

"Tad," I say into the phone "when you get this message get back to me right away. I need to know the name of that guy who has the team of dogs who track the scent of missing people. I want to get him on this as soon as possible."

"Now that is fast work, Devane. Great thinking. Here take these." Kendall foists the papers at me. "A ton of people called the hotline with tips about Zach but this is way too much for me to follow up on my own."

"Then give it to the cops." Turning away from her, I grab my coat and slip it on.

"You won't help me?"

"I don't have the time, Kendall."

"Make the time! Zach could be out there bleeding to death right now. I had to bring Ian home alone. His father should have been there. I know you are pissed at me right now but you wouldn't be doing this just for me or for Zach. Ian is the one that suffers most if his father never makes it back to us and I don't know how to look in my son's eyes and not have an answer about where his father went..."

"STOP! Just stop, will you? This might come as a shock to you but your husband is not the only person missing in the world right now. I haven't heard from Greenlee in," my eyes go to my watch "nearly forty hours...

Kendall freezes. "What? I thought you hid her out somewhere? What do you mean she's missing?"

My anger is fueled by fear, grief and pain. I go on as if she hasn't spoken at all. "... and until I do hear from Greenlee I could really careless about _anyone or anything else_. And even after that it would be a cold day in hell before I lift one finger to help that selfish prick you're so damn in love with! You sold out everything you are at the alter of Zach mother flippin Slater. And now he is gone and you expect the whole town to mobilize to bring him home. And what about Greenlee? What about _your best friend_? Have you spared her a thought since you got her arrested for attempting child abduction? She's out there somewhere alone- maybe cold or hungry or lost. She could be the one bleeding to death while we stand here taking about ZACH." I throw the pile of fliers and notes back at here. "So take your tips and sightings and million dollar reward and go. Go look for that man who tried to destroy Greenlee's mind and dreams and take away her freedom. Who did his damn level best to ruin your chance to be her surrogate and now calls himself the stepfather of the child he never wanted conceived. Find him and, by all means, enjoy your good, good life together. But don't you look to me to help you get it. Because the moment you turned on Greenlee you broke her heart and even if she forgives you, I sure as hell won't. You knew...you knew..."_ God, I can't believe there are tears in my eyes. I don't cry. But I need her back...so bad. It's just the start of our lifetime together. _"You knew that she loved you. You knew what you were doing by going for your revenge. You knew you would crush Greenlee and now you have...you and your husband just might have killed her."

I rip the map off the wall, shove it in my pocket and then attempt to walk around Kendall and out the door but she jumps in front of me and grabs both my arms. "What happened to her? Where is Greenlee?"

"Haven't you been listening to me, Kendall? I don't know. I don't have a freaking clue. The closest I can guess is to say she went missing a few miles from where Zach's car was found. Maybe she's injured or maybe she got kidnaped or maybe your husband saw her and decided to get rid of her for good. I DON'T KNOW." My throat aches, as does my back and head and heart. Softly I add "She's gone."

Kendall blinks back tears as a breath escapes her lips. She whispers, "No, no, she's not...I refuse to believe that."

"Believe it." With that, I leave her standing there and go jump in my car.

The clock on the dashboard tells me the time and I realize its now been _39 hours, 24 minutes and 15 seconds._

I know I screwed up. Somehow I should have stopped this from happening. I should have kept Greenlee safe. She should be here with me right now, her hand in mine, smiling and leaning close to kiss me.

I shouldn't have yelled at Kendall either. It didn't help anything and, right or wrong, Greenlee loves her like crazy. She wouldn't have wanted me to lose my temper with her sister but when Kendall was standing there going on and on about how much she needs Zach, all I could think is I need Greenlee even more. Greenlee is all that matters right now.

_I will get her back._

I speed down the road. With the map I can start marking off places I've searched until I've covered all the surrounding areas near where Greenlee went missing. I might have let her down before but I won't do it again. I will bring her back home.

_(I don't wanna make excuses, baby  
Won't change the fact that you're gone_

_  
But if there's something that I could do  
Won't you please let me know?_

_  
Time is passing so slowly now  
Guess that's my life without you  
and maybe I could change my every day  
but baby I don't want to_

_So I'll just hang around  
and find some things to do  
to take my mind off missing you_

_  
and I know in my heart  
you can't say that you don't love me too_

_  
Please say you do)_

As my eyes focus on the dark road that stretches out in front of me, all I can think about is her. We haven't been together long but its been one wild ride already. The best days of my life-bar none. I'm not the same man I was the moment before she kissed me. Greenlee, even though I never would have thought she could, has made me a better man, a better friend, someone who belongs to someone, who is _in this _to the bitter end, someone who doesn't want this to ever end, if you want to know the truth.

I'm her man now.

_(Yeeaah..._

_I've been sitting here  
Can't get you off my mind  
I've tried my best to be a man and be strong  
I Drove myself insane  
Wishing I could touch your face  
But the truth remains_

_You're gone..  
You're gone..  
You're gone  
You're gone...you're gone.. you're...  
Gone_)

I jump out of the car and race into the woods. All that guides my way is a flashlight. I don't know where I'm going, not really. I just know she could be out here somewhere, needing me...and I need her back more than I have ever needed anything before.

_I'll find you, baby._


	4. JR

**Fallen**

**JR Chandler**

It was a frozen day in December. One of those days where anyone with any sense stayed inside the house. But JR Chandler was known for not having much sense in his head...he was the town's biggest screw-up...his father's big disappointment...his own worst nightmare.

His face right now sported three days of growth on a beard. He had been in lock up and couldn't get a shaver. Since his release this morning, he had taken a shower but couldn't bear to look in the mirror to shave.

If anyone spied him, from a distance right now, walking through this cemetery they would see a rich man- his expensive clothes creating a facade he couldn't live up to: successful, pulled together, sane.

It had been years since he felt like any of those things.

JR looked down at the grave. "Hi, mama." He bent and brushed the snow up, revealing her name. His gloved hand traced the letters. "You probably already know...but...it looks like I messed up again."

(_Heaven bend to take my hand  
and lead me through the fire._

_  
Be_

_the long awaited answer  
to a long and painful fight._

__

Truth be told I've tried

_my best  
but somewhere along the way I _

_got caught up in all _

_there was to offer_

_  
And the cost was so much more than I could bear_) ( Sarah McLachlan)

He felt the moisture on his cheeks, stinging his skin as the cold wind whipped over his skin, before he realized he was crying. He wanted to tell his mother than he had done his best to not get in trouble again, to not hurt anyone this time, to make her proud but that would just be a flat out lie.

JR had done what he always did. He lied, building up Greenlee's hope about children he knew would never be born, he cheated, not caring if that would hurt Amanda, pretending all along he didn't know she was fragile and needy and craved someone to love her more than they did any other person, and in the end he took a drink, then another, and another until the world spun and became black. Was he a murderer now? The cops seemed to think so.

(_Though I've tried, I've fallen._

_  
I have sunk so low.  
I messed up._

_  
Better I should know,  
so don't come round here and tell me I told you so._..)

He couldn't blame anyone for the disaster his life had become but that didn't stop him from running through the names in his mind...his father could have given him a better example...Zach could have kept his word about their deal...if Alexander Cambias hadn't killed Dixie she would be here to keep Jr out of trouble...if Greg Madden didn't steal Kate then everything would have been different...if Babe never slept with Jamie, or never even kissed him, never chose him over JR...if, if, if...but he knew that was all bullshit. Only one person was to blame for this.

_(We all begin with good intent.  
Love was raw and young._

_  
We believed_

_that we could change ourselves._

_  
The past could be undone.)  
_

"I can't seem to do anything right," JR told Dixie. "Maybe I should just kill myself...before Little A finds out what a loser his father is..."

In his mind, JR heard a chorus of voices:

Jamie, _Don't you dare take the punk's way out, brother_

Kendall, _If you die I will never know what happened to my husband. Haven't you hurt me enough already?_

Colby,_ I love you...don't leave me...I still need you._

Tad, _You can do better tomorrow, son._

Adam, _That would be a permanent solution to a temporary problem. We can get you out of this latest trouble._

Babe, What_ about Little A? What will I tell our baby?_

Zach, _You killed me, Junior! Kill yourself and make us even._

JR grabbed his head, trying to shut the voices off, and crumbled to the ground, leaning against the grave stone. All he knew was he was tired, too tired to try again to get sober, too tired to try again to find love, too tired to fight his weaknesses for another minute.

(_But we carry on our backs the burden,  
time always reveals._

_  
In the lonely light of morning,  
in the wound _

_that would not heal._

_  
It's the bitter taste of losing everything  
that I've held so dear._

I've fallen...  
I have sunk so low

_  
I messed up._

_  
Better I should know,  
so don't come round here and tell me I told you so_...)

He pulled the gun out of his pocket, feeling the slick cool metal resting in his hand. It would only take a moment to get the job done. But a huge part of him worried that he couldn't even kill himself effectively. He would probably end up at the hospital, with everyone he loved gathered around, having to wring there hands once more over poor, fucked up JR.

(_Heaven bend to take my hand-  
nowhere left to turn._

_  
I'm lost to those I thought were friends,  
to everyone I know._

_  
Oh, they turn their heads,_

_embarrassed._

_  
Pretend that they don't see._

_  
But it's one missed step,  
one slip,_

_before you know it_

_  
and there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed_!)

He raised the gun, placing it at his temple, careful to keep his eyes looking straight ahead now, not down at where his mother lay buried. He could almost smell the famous chocolate chip cookies that Dixie had used to make everything right for her boys when they were children. But he wasn't a child anymore.

JR let out a few short breaths. "I can do this. I can end this. I can't spend the rest of my life in prison...my son shouldn't have to visit his Dad there...I can do this."

His hand shook as he tried to work up the nerve to pull the trigger.

"On three...one...two..."

(_Though I've tried, I've fallen...  
I have sunk so low._

_  
I messed up._

_  
Better I should know  
so don't come round here and tell me I told you so._

"Don't." The voice was gentle, feminine, and once, long ago, she had been someone he always felt better when he was around...but that was very like ago now...nearly another lifetime.

_Why does she have to be here now_? He thought.

"Just walk away," JR said.

But she walked closer instead.

He stumbled to his feet, suddenly feeling foolish, and shoved the gun in his pocket. Turning his back on her, JR wiped away his tears. When he turned back around, she was right next to him. "For a perfect woman, you have hella bad timing."

"Perfect?" She laughed. "Don't you know that's just a myth? Don't believe the hype, JR. I'm no more perfect than you are..."

"Pathetic?"

"Without redemption," she settled on. Her eyes moved to the gun. "That doesn't get you out of paying for your sins, you know. Unless you don't believe in Hell."

"This is Hell."

"Pine Valley?"

He chuckled. It was amazing how only moments before he was at his lowest point and now he could actually appreciate a joke.

"Earth. Life," JR said. "My life is a living hell. Can you blame me for wanting it to be over?"

"Yes. I can blame you. You have a son to think about."

Sighing,, JR broke eye contact. "He's small enough to still see me as a hero. I don't think I'll be able to handle it the day he realizes what I really am."

"All children eventually grow disillusioned with their parents but then they become parents themselves and...suddenly its easier to see its not all black and white...life is lived in the gray areas. I can't stopped you from killing yourself, if that is what you are determined to do, but know that is the worst thing you could ever do to your son: take his father away."

"Why do you care? If you aren't perfect, if you aren't a saint, then you should hate me."

Bianca looked in his eyes for a long moment, and then said "Life is too short to spend it hating anyone...especially yourself." She stuck out her hand. "Can I have the gun, JR?"

Slowly, he passed it over to her. Bianca emptied the bullets.

JR asked "Where did you learn how to do that?"

"I took lessons at a shooting range a few years ago after...Michael."

Where JR would have let the bullets fall into the snow, Bianca was too careful to do that. She shoved them in one pocket of her black wool coat and the gun in the other.

JR ran his hand through his long, messy hair. "What are you even doing in town? Home for the holidays? They can't be too merry with your sister's husband going missing, probably due to my latest drunken blackout."

"I'm home because Kendall needs me...and it looks like you do too."

"We aren't friends anymore, Bianca. Don't make me your pet project. You can't save me."

_No one can save me now,_ he thought

(_Though I've tried, I've fallen...  
I have sunk so low._

_  
I messed up!_

_  
Better I should know so don't come round here  
and tell me I told you so...)  
_

Snow started to fall on them. It floated delicately through the air, landing on their hair, then shoulders, and drifting down to cover their clothes.

"No, I can't. So I guess you better..." Bianca leaned close to JR and issued a challenge, her words soft, filled with equal parts tenderness and toughness, "save yourself."

Then she turned and walked away. He watched her go over to Mona's grave, bend down and start talking to her grandmother.

_Save yourself, save yourself, save yourself_, repeated in his mind, _Save yourself_.

XXXXXXXXXX

He stood in front of the room full of sinners. No better or worse than him. He wanted to say he wasn't like this people, but he was. He was just the same. JR knew there was only one way out of this hole he had put himself in, and it started here.

"My name is Adam Chandler, Junior, and I am an alcoholic."


	5. Amanda

**Cold As You**- **Amanda Dillon**

JR does not knock. He just walks in on her while she is in bed. By the look on his face, she knows what he has come here to talk about.

She steels herself against his reaction. Amanda is determined to not show one ounce of weakness during this confrontation, she will not give him the pleasure of knowing he hurt her. "A little late for a visit, don't you think? What if I wasn't here alone? Besides," she grins " aren't you supposed to stay within five feet of your Daddy these days?"

"Rules are made to be broken, you know that. Besides I had to come, after Adam told me about the little deal you two made." JR raises an eyebrow, stunned that she went here and yet not because it is exactly what he would have done. "You're blackmailing him..._ me?_"

"Dail back the feigned shock. It isn't the first time."

Amanda crawls slowly out of her bed, on her newly acquired yatch, taking her own sweet time. Just because JR busted through the door in the middle of the night, wearing his indignation like a badge, doesn't mean she has to entertain him. She pulls on a silk robe and pours herself a glass of water, but doesn't offer him one.

"No, but that was before..."

"Before?" She snaps the word at him. "That word insinuates that we shared something meaningful. Your sleeping with your ex-wife clearly proves we did not."

He eases closer to her. "So that is what this is all about then? You're still pissed."

She cuts her eyes at him.

He repeats "You're still pissed. Okay. I get that."

"Good for you."

"Listen I don't care how much you soak my old man for...five million, cool. I would have held out for ten. But this is my home, my yatch, mine. You can't expect me to stay at the mansion and leave you here in that great big bed all alone."

"Cut the bull, JR. The next time I see you laying down with your eyes closed, you'll be in a coffin. You'll probably drink yourself to an early death, which is a better fate than you deserve, anyway."

"You don't mean that."

Amanda finally looks at him, and immediately regrets it. He flashes her a smile and she feels herself weakening to him. She knows its insane...he had her and gave her up...he didn't put her first, and once, just once, she needs to be put first by some man. She doesn't know what she thinks that will prove but she's sure, somewhere inside of herself, that once she is someone's first priority everything about her life will change. She wants that day to come, needs it to, and knows that with JR it might never.

And yet, he's smiling...and she feels the pull.

(_You have a way _

_of coming easily to me._

_  
And when you take, _

_you take the very best of me._

_  
So I start a fight_

_cause I need to feel something._

_  
And you do what you want_

_cause I'm not _

_what you wanted_) ( Taylor Swift) 

"Just get out of here," Amanda tells him. "You're lucky I turned that tape in at all, for any price. I could have let you fry. Believe me, I thought about it. Money is fabulous but revenge also has its perks."

JR sighs. Slowly he loses his boyish charm, his conniving stance, and all pretense of trying to work her. Softly, he admits "I know I hurt you."

She stiffens. _Damn it! Don't you dare, _she thinks.

She can deal with a cocky JR but not a humble one. How can her meager defenses withstand that? She knows she is like a puppy, eager for love and affection, but she simply can not help it. No one else she knows is as alone as she is. She has two members of her immediate family- a mother in a mental hospital and a brother she hasn't seen in years. He loves her but dealing with Janet is just too much for Tim, so he won't be coming around anytime soon, if ever. Amanda spends holidays pretending to be busy at work just to avoid the questions about what her plans are...she has no plans for Christmas, this year or the next or the next. She thought maybe her and JR could go on a trip together. Forget about the snow and the big family scenes by hiding out on some island but that won't be happening now.

JR goes on, "I don't know what I was thinking when I slept with Babe. Okay, okay, I know what I was thinking...and it wasn't that I just wanted a quick lay."

Amanda knows this. And that is what hurts the most.

(_Oh what a shame, _

_what a rainy ending given to a perfect day._

_  
Just walk away, _

_ain't no use defending words that you will never say._

_  
And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through  
I've never been anywhere_

_cold as you_) 

Jr tries to explain, standing mere inches from her but careful to not touch her. "It was just that...for that one night...for an hour...I thought I could go back to the man I was...or the man I wanted to be...when I met Babe on that pier in San Diego."

"I don't care." But that is a lie. She cares too much. The pain is sharper than any blade that could cut her. When she sees him, the rage starts to bubble, just below her skin. She does hate him, mainly cause she used to think she could love him.

"I'm not going to be that man though," JR said. "He never existed. Babe knows there is no going back and I do too. But for a second...I wanted to have a do over. Can you blame me? I've screwed up every good thing ever given to me in my life...except for my relationship with my son. But not a day goes by when I don't think I will, one day. If Babe took me back, like all those other times, I could have made myself believe I wasn't a mess...that I was better than I know I am. Amanda, look at me."

When she does, she sees what passes as sincerity in his eyes, but doesn't trust him or herself enough to believe its real.

He says "Me sleeping with Babe had nothing to do with you. You didn't do anything to deserve that."

"Don't you think I know that? I was the best thing to ever happen to you, buddy, and you let me get away. You didn't come here tonight to get your boat back. You want me back. But I'm gone. I'm over it and you."

Amanda quickly glances away, and blinks furiously to keep the tears from falling.

(_You put up walls _

_and paint them all a shade of gray._

_  
I stood there _

_loving you and wished them all away._

_  
And you come away with a great little story  
of a mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore you_)

JR says "You're going to forgive me some day. Why not let that be today? I...I miss us. Okay, okay, I admit it, we had a good thing going."

"I would rather eat broken glass that even let you touch me again."

He immediately raises his hand and slowly brings it up to stroke her cheek. "Liar. But I like that about you."

"Go home," she whispers. "And don't come back here. Use someone else. I'm through being your good time girl."

"You're all woman. I should have treated you better. I can treat you better if you let me."

"No."

Jr withdraws and soon the smile is back, the fakeness he uses to protect himself comes out again. "All right. I'll go, for now. But if you get lonely, you know my number." He starts to back away, then pauses "I am sorry."

With that he turns and leaves.

Finally the tears fall. The stain her pretty, pretty face. She's cried more tears in her life than should be possible.

(_You never did give a damn thing, honey,_

_But I cried,_

_cried for you._

_  
And I know you wouldn't have told nobody if I died,_

_died for you, died for you_) 

One day she hopes she won't have anything to cry about any more. She's strong. She will recover, on her own, like she always does.

The next morning, purple flowers arrive for her at Fusion. The note reads:

_It could be today._

She doesn't forgive JR that day, or the next, but months later, when she is strong enough to know she can live without him for sure, she starts to think that maybe, just maybe, she'd like to live with him instead. There might still be time for something that neither one of them has gotten before: that ever elusive second chance that doesn't come with strings attached.

Just maybe.


	6. Josh

This was written for a challenge at Soap Fan Fiction.

**Better Days **

**Josh Madden**

He's good at hiding his emotions, except from her. She calls him on his bullshit every time. At first it made him hate her, but then again what didn't he hate back then?

Tonight isn't about _her_ seeing through _him_ though. As soon as he walked in to The Comeback, Josh spotted Julia Santos scooted up to the bar, sipping a glass a wine just a little to fast for it to be about anything other than getting drunk.

Her story is front page news these days and everywhere she goes, he is sure, people give her pitying looks. He knows because once he was the one whose adoptive father was the sordid talk of this too small town. But now it is her. Just seeing her here now, out of her element and lost within her own heartbreak, just about kills Josh, somehow hurting even more than when it was his own life in shambles.

To the bartender, he says "Whiskey on the rocks and keep them coming." Smiling at Julia, he adds "Looks like we are getting drunk tonight."

"I'd rather be alone, if its all the same to you." She tries to give him a apologetic smile but she just doesn't have the strength. He knows that if she keeps falling down this hole she is in...there is a fair chance she won't crawl back out ever. He could just walk away and not care. He was once an expert at not caring. But Pine Valley, as it is wont to do, changed all that. It changed him...its people became his people, their blood became his blood line, their pain his worry, in the eyes of his sisters, his cousins, his uncle and parents he found himself. And in Julia, he found a friend, whether she would admit to being the same to him was an entirely different question though.

Josh shakes his head at Julia. "No can do. It's a scientific fact that it is unhealthy to drink alone. There was a case study done on it and published just last month. Don't tell me you aren't keeping up on your reading, Nurse Keefer."

Ignoring him, she gulps back the rest of her glass of wine. The bartender refills it without having to be told.

He picks up his drink and suggests "Lets toast."

"I'm not in the mood to celebrate."

He clinks her glass anyway, realizing as his does that he is doing this all wrong. But he doesn't quite know what to do different. He isn't good at this- comforting people- like the rest of the Martins are. He is more like his mother, for better or worse, self centered and self contained, satisfied with having his little world revolve around himself. But lately it hasn't. There was Kendall and her sons, needing him and Josh happy to be needed. There was Greenlee, his step sister and for a brief moment in time his friend, lost and then sick. He keeps his worries about her to himself. And now there was Julia, a mother without her child, a sight that is almost too much to bear...her sadness is that profound.

Josh says "To better days."

She grimaces. "I should go. You came here for a good time and I'm not up for one. Have a nice night, Josh." She hurries off the stool, dragging her coat behind her. He jumps up and gently reaches for her wrist, halting her steps.

"Wait! I came here to see you...if you need anything, Jules..."

She whispers her answer, one filled with more loss than he has ever known, "I just want my daughter back."

In a low voice that only she can hear, he answers back "I know."

(_Breathe in  
Breathe out_

_  
Tell me all of your doubts_

_  
Everybody_

_bleeds this way_

_just the same_

_  
Breathe in  
Breathe out_

_  
Move on and break down_

_  
If everyone goes away  
I will stay_) ( Mat Kearney)

At that moment he wishes she would just cry, scream, rage at the world, break all the glass ware in the bar, do something loud and violent to vent her pain. But she won't. Whatever fight she had in her is gone. He thinks he would give every penny in his bank account just to buy her some hope, enough to lift the corners of her mouth once again and bring back the life to her eyes.

He leans close. "Come on, lets sit down."

She lets him lead her to a booth. He slides in on the same side of her. His hand brushes her arm, then stills, laying there in what he prays is a comforting manner. He is much better at seducing women than he is at playing their heros, but he still tries this time, for Julia. Because the day they met she was a spit fire who told him off and he misses that...he hasn't ever needed much in his life...but he has a nagging feeling maybe he does need her around, if only to keep his ego in check and to get him to laugh at bad jokes that aren't really that funny but somehow when she tells them he can't help but chuckle.

She closes her eyes for a fraction of a second, and when they open she says, "You don't have to..."

"What? Drink with you? Its no trouble. Zach has been working me like a dog. The family man doesn't like to stay late so I get all the overtime these days. I could use a break."

"And this is the break you want?" She chuckles bitterly, but to him it is a good sign. She can still laugh, even if it is in anger. "Sitting here with a woman on the edge..."

"On the edge of something better, maybe."

"How? Without Kathy?"

"I could talk to Tad. Maybe he would consider joint custody."

She sighs. "He doesn't want to confuse her. Dixie was her mother, not me."

"You're the only mother she knows now. She needs you in her life..."

"I will be in her life,"Julia says with a ferocity that Josh hasn't seen in her in weeks. "Tad agrees to that and if he didn't I would take this to court. But its not the same as her living with me...as her being mine."

"She's still yours, in your heart and in hers."

Julia holds his eyes and for a second he almost believes she will smile but instead a strangled cry escapes her lips, and then she is falling into his arms, sobbing softly against his shirt as her hands clutch his back. Once they kissed, but this is more intimate than that moment. This is real where that was game playing, this is what he came here for, to be her rock. He only can hope he doesn't screw this up...she's too amazing to be let down. Plus, he sees now, he needs her friendship more than she could even guess.

(_Hold on  
Hold tight  
If I'm out of your sight_

_  
and everything keeps moving on  
moving on_

_  
Hold on  
Hold tight  
Make it through another night_

_  
Everyday, there comes a song  
with the dawn)_

Julia pulls away, wiping at her tears, "I feel like an idiot. Why did I let myself believe she was really mine? I should have known...I don't get to keep the people I love."

It feels like a warning. And, when he was a younger man, hell even last year, he would have taken it and ran. But this time Josh doesn't. There isn't anywhere to go. This is where he needs to be right now.

He promises her, "We'll talk to Tad together. Make him understand that Kathy needs both of you, her two parents. We won't give up till he agrees. Because as great as it is that he has his little girl back, you need your little girl too. And you will have her...all you have to do is have" he holds his thumb and his forefinger a hair's width apart "just this much faith. Can you do that for me? Believe this will all work out..."

"Based on what?"

"The fact that I will not stop fighting for you until it does."

(_We push and pull  
and I fall down sometimes_

_  
But I'm not letting go  
you hold the other line_)

She looks away, breaking their eye contact. "You aren't the type to be anyone's white knight."

Laughing, Josh replies "You're telling me, yeah, I know."

"So what are you doing this for?"

He shrugs, hoping that will be enough of an answer, but of course she won't let him get away with that sort of non-responsive. Her eyes move back and lock on his, seeming to probe right into his very innermost thoughts. It's a sensation that is both unnerving and hypnotizing.

(_Cause there is a light  
In your eyes  
In your eyes_

_  
There is a light  
In your eyes  
In your eyes_)

"Josh, we aren't all that close. You don't have to make this personal."

Leaning close to her, he says "It feels personal."

"Yeah?" Her eyes search his.

"Yeah," he confirms, then turns to motion for the bartender, giving himself just long enough to pull his thoughts back together. When he faces her again, she is nearly smiling. That loosens up threads inside of him that were spun tight with worry over her.

Julia warns him "If this is some way you are trying to play me..."

"Would I do that?"he teases

"As hard as you try to get into the pants of every woman at the hospital, I would have to say _yes_ you would pull just about whatever card you think might work," Julia teases back. 'And if you do that, Madden, I will have to kick your ass and tell your father and grandfather on you."

"Oh, now that is just wrong. I'm a grown ass man."

"Hmph, you are working on being a grown ass man." Now she does smile and he loves it.

The waitress brings over their drinks and asks if they would like to order food. He answers for her, eager to make this time together stretch out longer, for if she goes home he is afraid she will fall into despair again and he knows he will be up all night worrying about her. Josh orders salads, burgers and fries for both of them.

When the waitress leaves, Julia jokes "I see that your male chauvinist ways are still going strong."

"I swear you are the only woman who ever complained."

"I'm one of the only woman you ever hit on with a fully functioning brain and sense of self worth."

"And it looks good on you."

She shakes her head at him, blowing off his flirty line, but he can tell she appreciates it. Julia is not a broken woman. She just needed to be told that there was still hope left, a lifeline she could hold onto during this storm. Josh is more than willing to be that for her. In the last few months he has seen people go to extremes for the ones they love...Kendall for Zach, Aiden for Greenlee, Ryan for Annie...and he has wondered if he would ever live and breathe for someone else's happiness like they do.

Now he learns, just in this moment in this dive bar with a hot brunette who is not a coed or swimsuit model but who is someone's mother, sister, aunt, and his friend...that yes, yes he would go to the edge to pull someone else back, that yes he would not be able to be happy if she was sad, that yes he could love someone without having any guarantees or even knowing if they loved him back. There was a time when Josh feared love...losing it and keeping it and knowing what it felt like at all...but now, in this friendship, he found that love was not a battle ground where both people fight against each other, it was one where they fight together, hand in hand.

Julia took in steadying breath, and let it out, getting back her strength more and more with each passing second. She lifted her glass and he followed suit.

"To better days," she said

He liked the sound of that.

(_Breathe in  
And breathe out_

_  
Breath in  
And breathe out_

_  
Breathe in  
And breathe out_

_  
Breathe in  
And breathe out_

Look left  
Look right

_  
To the moon  
And the night_

_  
Everything under the stars is in your arms_)

Later, he would know, this is the moment where he crossed the line...the boy becoming a man just in the nick of time.


	7. You Saved Me, Rendall, part one

_Note- This story twists what could have happened after Ryan was shot. Kinda Spoilerish.__** Written for Soap Fan Fiction.**_

_**Rendall.**_

**You Saved Me.**

Everyone has told Kendall that Ryan is fine. She looks in the hospital room herself and sees him smiling at his wife. Still Kendall can't quite shake the coldness that has gripped her soul since the moment she saw him laying on the floor bleeding.

Everything in her froze- in those seconds when she didn't know if he was dead or alive- she simply froze. And she still feels frozen now.

She hears the first words Annie says to him since he woke up. "You gave us all quite a scare! Don't ever do that again, okay?"

"I won't."

"Your_ head_." She reaches out to touch the bandage. He moves out of her reach.

"It's fine. A little bump. A cut. The doctors say I will live...uh...where is everyone?"

"Everyone? Emma? Spike? At home. Do you want me to bring them down? I thought you wouldn't want them here."

"Uh...what about...Kendall?"

"She's here. She's fine."

"Could I see her?"

"Sure. Let me go get her."

Annie smiles her great big, bright, the world is wonderful, smile at Ryan and then leaves the room. Kendall has to force her eyes off Ryan and onto this woman standing before her.

"He wants to see you," Annie tells her, her voice kind and understanding, as she always is.

She is so kind that Kendall wants to hate her, for that and for all the other reasons, the things that are not okay to talk about anymore. Like how Annie is married to the man Kendall wanted for herself, and how Annie has a daughter with him, and how Annie is not going away, not ever. Kendall hated her at first, but now she doesn't.

For Annie is genuinely sweet and helpful and good. She wants to be Kendall's friend and it would take too much energy to keep hating her, so Kendall doesn't. Annie is a part of this compromised life. Annie loves all of them. Annie accepts this crazy situation they find themselves in, and navigates all the love and pain that flickers like the first flame of a wildfire between Ryan and Kendall and Greenlee.

Kendall is stalling. She's afraid to get to close to Ryan. He might break. She felt the same when Ian was born, and before she decided to keep Spike. So much was on the line...too much to risk putting in her clumsy hands. "Maybe he needs some rest first."

"I think he needs to see that you are okay with his own two eyes. Go ahead. I'll go get some coffee in the cafeteria with everyone else. I'll be back in twenty minutes, if that is okay?"

Kendall nods. She watches Annie leave before slowly walking into Ryan's room.

"Hey," she says softly. "You're really all right?" Her words are tender and breaking. She feels guilty for him getting hurt.

She hates when she causes him pain, but she knows she does it often. And he does the same to her. She didn't mean for him to risk his life to save hers. Doesn't he know she couldn't go on knowing he was gone? She's tried it before. It doesn't work.

Ryan pats the bed, motioning for her to sit down. Once she does, he takes her hand. The gesture makes her suck in a gulp of air. It feels too right to be this near him. Too good and safe and natural.

"I'm fine," he assures her. "You really think I would go and die and leave behind my gorgeous wife?"

_Annie. Damn her._

Kendall likes the chick, but she really does hate her too. Annie has made Ryan happy. How dare she.

And not in the crazy way he was with Greenlee, not in a way that relied on Kendall to be part of the equation...except maybe it did. Because Kendall was still here, still able to turn his world upside down with just one look, still pissing him off and making him scream and feel and sometimes even shake with fear over what scheme she was trying to pull off or what danger was stalking her.

But Kendall can't think about what that all means right now. She can't let herself get caught up in all those twisted emotions that lay between them. She has to focus on the here and now. She has her husband, he was his wife. His _gorgeous _wife, as he put it.

As long as he is alive and well though, she will deal with all that. She can do anything, compromise anything, contort herself into a pretzel to make this all work...just as long as he is alive and he will stay this time. As long as he doesn't run from her again, she will take whatever she can get.

His finger brushes over her ring. She self consciously pulls her hands out of his.

Ryan says "I remember when we bought that. That weekend in New York. It rained the whole time."

She freezes again. The feeling that something is wrong- very, very wrong- washes through her once more. She knew he wasn't fine. _Damn doctors_! She had known something was wrong with him, even from the waiting room.

Kendall searches his eyes, trying to make sense out of what he is saying.

Ryan goes on "Erica was so mad that we eloped. I thought your mother was going to shoot me, I really did. Thank God, I've grown on her over the years."

Her brain knows that everything he is saying is a result of some medical ailment. Her brain knows she should run out of here and find a doctor. Her brain knows not to invest anything in his rambling, for it means nothing. But her heart...her heart is just not able to resist buying into his fairytale, wanting to hear more about this dream world where they did everything the right way the first time around.

Ryan asks "Where is she anyway? And Bianca? They were in the waiting room with you, right? I hope you didn't have to go through this alone."

Kendall has to force out the words, knowing the spell will be broken. "Annie was here and Zach."

"They make a nice couple."

She could cry. Inside everything is aching but she can't focus on that right now. She needs to get Ryan some help so he can...forget about loving her, again. Her hand reaches out, her fingers lightly brushing over his cheek. "Thank you for saving me."

"I saved you?"

"Don't you remember what happened today?"

"It's all a little fuzzy, to be honest. How did I save you?"

The words she should say are clear: _Someone tried to shoot me. You pushed me out of the way. And now you're hurt but the doctors will make you all better. I need to go find Joe, in fact, and make sure he does just that._

But the words she says are "With your love. Your love saved me."

And it isn't a lie.

(_Every now and then I get a little lost._

_  
My strings all get tangled,_

_my wires all get crossed_

_  
Every now and then I ride upon the edge,  
dangling my toes out over the ledge._

_  
I just thank God you're here._

'Cause when I'm a bullet shot out of a gun  
'Cause when I'm a firecracker comin' undone  
Or when I'm a fugitive ready to run, 

_all wild-eyed and crazy._

_  
No matter where my reckless soul takes me,  
baby, you save me_) ( Kenny Chesney)

She always knew if he would just stay, just hold on like she always did, that in the end, Ryan would be the man who saved her from herself and the world. Others thought she was just needy around him, but who wouldn't be needy, knowing all he was to her?

Even though their lives hadn't led to the marriage Ryan thought they had, they were still connected. She still couldn't catch her breath when she thought about him leaving town or getting sick. He still affected her in ways no one could ever understand but her.

Ryan smiles at Kendall. "Well, that's good. Cause your love saved me, too."

A tear slides down her cheek. She starts to stand up, to finally go call that doctor, when Ryan begins convulsing. She screams his name, grabs his arms, cries "No, no, no! Please..."

She is so out of it she doesn't know everything she says, maybe she told him how much she loves him still, maybe she just begged him to not leave her, but soon she isn't the only one in the room. Her yelling has brought nurses and doctors, who force her aside.

Cranial bleed, one of them says. Prep for surgery.

She begs them to save him. "You have to, Jeff, please! You don't understand...I can't lose him..."

They wheel him away and she is left alone, without all the friends and family that usually surround her. They are somewhere else in this hospital, believing everything will be fine.

She wishes she could believe like them.


	8. You Saved Me, part two

**Part Two**

**Two days later**

When he opens his eyes again, he's alone in the ICU. But right outside the glass, Ryan turns his head and then he can see his wife and friends and her...there's Kendall, looking like she is not even breathing.

His heart clutches up. He doesn't even think about himself, about the bullet shooting through the window that put him in this hospital, or what might be wrong with him. All he thinks is that he hates to see Kendall upset.

"I'm okay," he tries to mouth, but can't because he is too weak.

It is later after the doctors have examined him, after Annie has kissed his cheek, after he finally is able to talk and ask for her that Kendall comes in.

The first words she says have to be a lie, but it sounds like her truth. "You look good."

"I'm fine. Don't worry."

"You could have died...for me. Don't ever do that again."

"Hey! You're needed around here. Your boys need you. I need you."

"My boys?"

Ryan raises an eyebrow at her. He knows he had brain surgery but he doesn't think he is that confused. "Our son, Spike. Your son with Zach, Ian...right?" The last word is full of fear. He will know by the look in her eye if the doctors are hiding something from him. Maybe he was in a coma for years instead of couple days.

"Right. My boys...need me. And Spike and Emma and Ian need you too. And if you died for me, I would hate myself. So don't go trying to save me anymore, okay?"

"No deal."

She tries to smile, but it only lasts a second, then disappears like the smoke at the end of a cigarette. Tears overflow her eyes.

He whispers, his tone deep and husky, "Hey there, I'm okay. I'll be out of here in no time. And things will go back to normal around here for once. I know you've been through a lot lately- with Zach and Greenlee being gone, Spike's surgery, taking care of Ian, everything- but I promise you that the worst is behind us...all of us. Our family is going to have nothing but blue sky days, Kendall, from her on out. We're going to have...everything we always wanted, right?"

"Right."

"Right."

She moves close to him, to kiss his cheek, bending slowly, and as she does she lets go of any ideas she had about telling him what happened before his surgery.

The only one who knows about Ryan's delusions two days before wis Kendall, and for the rest of her life it would stay that way. She will take that secret to her grave. Maybe it was just a trick of his injured mind...maybe it was what he used to hope for...maybe it was what he wished had happened, but whatever it was, it was not their lives now. And it is dangerous to think about it for too long.

She murmurs, "Thank you, thank you, thank you...You saved me."

"No problem. I think I owed you."

"Nah, you don't owe me a thing but..." she hesitates.

"Name it. Whatever you want."

She says each word deliberately slow. "Don't ever leave again. Don't leave town. Don't die. Stay."

"I will, I promise. I'm staying."

She used to ask him for a lot. More than he could give. But now this is enough. This is what she needs most.

Kendall tells herself everything is fine now. And she almost believes it...almost. She loves her life. But there will always be a part of her that wonders about how much better or worse her life would be if it was the one that Ryan imagined them sharing. She will never know the answer to that though.

Sometimes you just have to thank God for what you do have, and not tempt the Devil by trying to make a deal for what you don't.

"You saved my life, Ryan."

"Don't mention it. Anyone would have done the same. You saved my life once..."

"What?" She smiles, in a way that she only does for him. "I shot you once. I nearly drove you insane about a million times. But I don't remember ever saving your life."

"You brought Spike into this world...you made Spike because you loved Greenlee and me enough to do that...and he...I finally got over myself after he was born. I should have done it before that...I know you wish I did. I wish I did. But you didn't give up on me just because I was stubborn and angry and even when you thought I killed myself, flying off a cliff...you kept me alive in that little boy and you gave me a real reason to live again. Your love saved me."

(_It's hard loving a man that's got a gypsy soul._

_  
I don't know how you do it._

_I'm not sure how you know the perfect thing to say_

_to save me from myself._

_  
You're the angel that believes in me like nobody else!  
And I thank God you do._

'Cause when I'm a bullet shot out of a gun  
When I'm a firecracker coming undone  
When I'm a fugitive ready to run, all wild-eyed and crazy  
No matter where my reckless soul takes me  
Baby you save me

I know I don't tell you nearly enough  
That I couldn't live one day without your love) ( Kenny Chesney)

She shrugs, though her eyes are light with unshed tears. "Well that's only fair. Because...way back at the Pine Cone...yours saved me."

They both smile.

Knock.

Knock.

Greenlee sticks her head in. "Can I...?"

"Come in!"

"Get in here!"

She comes in, giving Kendall a quick hug and telling Ryan how glad she is he made it, and behind her floods in the rest of their crowd: Aiden and Zach and Annie and Josh. Out in the hall are more people, eager to see that Ryan is really on the road to recovery. Erica, Jackson, Lily, Julia, Jonathan and Ava have all been waiting for hours, but they linger outside a little longer, letting the friends have this moment.

Kendall feels Zach's arm slide around her waist. She watches Annie go and take Ryan's hand. Aiden is only looking at Greenlee: as if he is afraid even now that if he looks away she will disappear again. Josh is the only one talking. The rest just smile, lost in their own thoughts.

They have made it through another crisis. And for now they will not complain that things are not perfect. They know better.

THE END


	9. In My Life, Tad and Liza

January Redeem Me Challenge at Soap Fan Fiction

**In My Life**

Tad Martin was never one of those people uncomfortable in hospitals but everything about this one, on this day, felt wrong. He hated that he had to come here. He hated that she had to be here. He was one inch away from hating God over all this- and Dixie and Kate and everything he had lost- but he wouldn't dare, not right now, not when he needed to strike a deal to keep her alive.

_What do I have to offer you, Big Guy? What's left for you to take from me? Come on, tell me, cause I need her here. You can't have her._

He has lost too much already. Tad refuses to lose his best friend too.

(_There are places I'll remember  
all my life.  
Though some have changed.  
Some forever not for better._

Some have gone and some remain.

All these places have their moments  
with lovers and friends I still can recall.

Some are dead and some are living  
In my life I've loved them all) ( Beatles)

When he pushes open the door to Liza's room, he makes sure a huge smile is on his face. He certainly didn't fly across the country to make her feel worse. He has to cheer her up. 

_Hope is everything. Give her hope. Make her fight_, he orders himself.

An ice cold desperation courses through his veins, working its way toward his heart, and Tad knows she will see it in his eyes. He does his best to stomp it down. Liza needs him to be strong, and damn it, he will do it.

"Hey there, Gorgeous."

"I told you that you didn't have to come." Her voice is thin, as weak as he has ever heard it.

"And I told _you_," Tad said " wild horses couldn't keep me away."

She lays in the bed, surrounding by white- blankets, sheets, walls, gown. He doesn't really see the room though. Instead he sees her smile, which makes his heart fill up in a way it hasn't in years, and then he sees the fear in her eyes, and has to swallow hard before he can speak again.  
Tad said, "So I was thinking that when you get out of here we could take a drive down the coast to Venice. Check out the boardwalk. They say laughter is the best medicine and you will laugh your ass off at the freaks they have out there. What do you say?" 

_Just act like everything is normal and then it will be again, soon. It will be. It has to be._

Liza tells him "I don't think I'll be up for any road trips anytime soon. Besides I've seen enough miles of highway to...last a lifetime."

He lets out a short breath. Tad touches her arm. She feels cold. She's thinner than he has ever seen her before. All he can think is that she used to be bigger than life. He's known her since he was a kid. She loved him before he even liked himself. She had loved him for decades- in her own way- and Tad wasn't ready to lose all that love from his life, to lose her from this world.

(_But of all these friends and lovers  
there is no one  
compares with you._

And these memories lose their meaning  
when I think of love as something new.

Though I know I'll never lose  
affection  
for people and things that went before.

I know I'll often stop and think about them.  
In my life I love you more.)

"Listen," he chokes out.

"Tad," she warns.

"No, listen, okay? You're getting treatment. Chemo. And it is going to work. Before you know it you'll be back out of here and out living it up again. Do you trust me?"

Her eyes soften. He fears she will cry at any second. Tad tries to joke, "Don't answer that! Just know that even if I've lied before and been a no good, run around on every woman who ever put her faith in me, cad that I am not lying to you this time. I have an in with the Big Guy Upstairs. He owes me."

"Oh does he?"

"Yeah, he does. And I'm collecting...for you." He wants to smile so damn bad but instead he finds himself losing all his strength. He leans close to her, brushing a kiss on her cheek, for a moment his forehead rests against hers. "You're not going anywhere, believe it."  
Tad pulls himself together and straightens. "Okay, no more sad sappy stuff." He looks around, spots a magazine and said "Soap Opera Digest? Seriously? You went and got yourself an addiction to daytime TV, didn't you? Come on, you can tell me all your dirty little secrets. Which show are you hooked on? The one with the witches? Or the gangsters? You always did have a thing for bad boys."

She laughs.

_Score. God, I missed that sound. It's been way too long since I've seen her face when she laughing. Phones calls don't cut it. Having a thousand miles separating the two of us is just plain wrong. I should have figured out a way for her to come home years ago_.

Liza teases "You came here to make fun of me? Asshole."

"Oh, you know you love me," he teases back.

When she answers her tone is serious. Softly, she tells him "Yeah, I sure do."

He knows it. They have been many different things to each other in this life: high school kids screwing around together, co-workers, best friends, lovers, liars together, confidants. She's the thread that runs through all his memories- of the best and the worst times. He didn't choose her, and yet she didn't hate him for that. Instead she understood. They both made their choices and lived with them- never looking back. Because if they did look back, it might bring them to their knees to see all the chances lost, the moments gone, the roads not taken. But that was the past. Today he was here with her, sticking by her side like she always stuck by his, and today they could be all the other needed.

"I bought you a present," Tad said.

Liza looks around. He isn't holding anything.

"She's downstairs," Tad said. "I think she was a little scared to come up here."

"Colby?" Her voice breaks. A tear slides down her cheek. "She hasn't forgiven me for taking her from Adam. She doesn't understand."

"She understands more than you think. She's really grown up a lot in the last year. I didn't force her to come here. In fact, I told her to stay home. But when I went out to get in my car to go to the airport, there she was in the passenger seat. Wouldn't budge for nothing. Stubborn little thing, like her mother."

Liza wipes her tears away. "Thank you...for bringing her, for coming here, for everything."

"You don't got to thank me, Gorgeous. Just get better. That boardwalk waits for us. I'm going and you are coming with me. Deal?"

He stuck out his hand.

"Tad." Her tone said she didn't want to promise something that might be impossible.  
"You know you aren't any good at telling me no," he teased. "So, old friend of mine, is it a deal or what?"

She lifted her head and slid it into his. "Deal."

(_Though I know I'll never lose affection  
for people and things  
that went before._

I know I'll often stop and think about them.

In my life I love you more  
In my life I love you more)

XXXXXXXXXXXX

**Weeks Later**

Tad helped Liza get out of the car. She wore a huge hat to cover her bald head. She had to lean on him as they walked toward the beach.

The area was alive with tourists and locals, eager to see the variety of oddballs who performed there.

Liza smiled. She turned her head to look in his eyes. "We made it."

"We sure did."

So many years gone by since their days at Pine Valley High, so many marriages and careers and life choices they had made to get here. There were times Tad had wanted to give up, and if not for his kids he might have done just that, but now he was glad he hadn't. This was a moment worth waiting for.

He was in the California sunshine with his best girl, and she was happy. What more could he ask for?

Well, there was a lot, he guessed. Like finding Kate. Like not being married to a woman he didn't love. Like Jamie coming back home and JR finding a way to be happy. Tad could ask for a lot but in that moment he didn't feel like it was right to bug God with more requests. The Big Guy had come through in a major way on Tad's last prayer and he figured he better just cool it on asking for anymore for a while.

Liza was on her way to being healthy again. He could breath a little easier, let himself believe she would be around for years to come.

She started to laugh and point at some guy who was standing in a ring of fire, juggling chainsaws. "What in the world?"

Tad just shrugged. He didn't even glance at the street performer, instead his eyes stayed on Liza, loving the way her face was lit up with laughter.

_Thanks, Big Guy. You don't know how bad I need her...Well, maybe you do._

**THE END**

I decided to write about my own personal redemption of Tad Martin. I feel like this character lost its way when he picked Krystal over Liza, Brooke or Simone. I did like Tad and Dixie, but I love Tad and Liza.


	10. What Lies Beneath, Rendall

This is written for a prompt challenge at Soap Fan Fiction.

**Rendall.**

**This is based on my interpretation of spoilers. **

_On February 4__th__, Ryan rushes out of Joe Martin's office after being told that it is 2008. _

_Ryan believes it is four years ago and that he is engaged to Kendall. _

_( They got engaged the last time on Tuesday, January 27__th__, 2004)._

_He then tries to rush out of the hospital to find her, turns a corner and runs right into her. The story starts there._

**What Lies Beneath**

His mind is filled with voices. They battle for dominance. In one corner is Joe Martin, someone Ryan always respected, saying that its 2008, four years after Ryan can last remember. Joe tells him they will figure out what's medically wrong with him. Just let them run a few tests, get this all worked out.

And then there is that dark haired woman, the one he woke up beside this morning, saying she is his wife, they have a daughter, they are happy and in love and Ryan will get better soon. She promises this with a smile, though her eyes are filled with worry.

But those promises all sound like lies to Ryan.

He rushed out of Joe's office, not knowing where he is going, but knowing that those people are con artists. He was once one. He should know. They are lying with a straight face and steady eyes, but they are still lying.

It is only 2004. He didn't lose all that time. And he sure as hell did not lose Kendall. He will never believe that he lost Kendall, no matter what anyone says.

Stumbling through the hospital, Ryan clutches his head. The voices get louder and louder.

Emma, this morning, rushing onto the bed._ "Daddy!"_

Annie took his hand. _"What's wrong? It's okay. I'm here. I'll help you."_

"_Who are you?"_

"_I'm your wife."_

_Your wife. Your wife, _echoes through his head. Kendall was supposed to be his wife. They were supposed to have the kid together. They were finally about to get their second chance. Ryan knows this like he knows his name, his history, his list of sins and all the ways he has come up short in life. He knows Kendall is the one he married.

_Kendall: You. Just you've done so much for me. You've stood by me through the trial. You gave up the entire Cambias fortune. And, Ryan, when all of this is over, if I'm acquitted -- _

_Ryan: And you will be. _

_Kendall: I'll get everything, once we prove I'm having Michael's child, and you'll get nothing. _

_Ryan: I can live with that. _

_Kendall: Yeah, but why should you? _

_Ryan: I'll live on love. _

_Kendall: That's very romantic, but isn't winning a lot more fun? _

_Ryan: Yes. _

_Kendall: Yes. Well, I know a way we can both win. _

_Ryan: Does it involve breaking any laws? _

_Kendall: No. No, no, no. It would involve seeing a judge once the trial is over. _

_Ryan: Haven't you seen enough of little men and women in black robes already? _

_Kendall: Depends on the circumstances. _

_Ryan: Ok, what? What are you getting at? What? _

_Kendall: Let's get married. _

Ryan turned the corner in the hospital, with Kendall's words repeating in his mind, and bumped right into her. Her hand came up and touched his chest, she said his name softly. When she tried to move back, he grabbed her hand.

She looked at his hand, clutching hers. "Ryan? Sorry about that. I wasn't looking where I was going I guess. God, I'm so tired I can't even see straight. Ian kept me up all night. Not that I can sleep anyway, thinking about Greenlee and all."

"Ian?" he chokes out softly.

"Yes...are you okay? Ryan? What's wrong?" There is fear in her voice so intense that it makes him dizzy. His world spins around him.

He doesn't answer, but instead moves closer to her, his eyes locked on hers.

God, she looked beautiful. Just as perfect as the day they met at the Pine Cone Motel. He always loses his breath when she first walks into a room, and his eyes stay on her for a moment too long. Ryan doesn't like the world to know just how much power this woman has over him, he doesn't like to be that weak, but he figures everyone does know anyway.

He has gone to extremes for her. He's gone crazy- to hell and back- gone out of his mind with lust and need and anger and regret. He has done it all in her name, and would gladly do it again, over and over.

He reaches out and cups her cheek.

Kendall looks at her strangely. "Did something happen? Its not Greenlee, is it? I just went for coffee...Ryan?" Tears fill her eyes. He leans his forehead against hers.

"It's fine. Fine. We're fine."

"So, she's okay? Then what has you so upset? Talk to me, please," she whispers this, never moving away from him.

He pulls back slightly, looking in her eyes. "Nothing is wrong. Everything's right. I love you."

Kendall stills. Her face softens. It is as if her heart is floating in her eyes. He can see nothing but love shining back at him, and in that moment he knows he was right. It is 2004. She loves him. They are the ones who will marry and have a child.

Whatever happened this morning, why that woman was in his bed, is just some elaborate scheme, probably cooked up by someone in the Cambias family who wants to hurt Kendall for killing Micheal. The trail has been nationwide news. Someone just wants revenge and is messing with his mind.

_Well_, Ryan thinks, I_ won't let them get away with it. No one is coming between me and Kendall this time. I just got her back. I'm not losing her again. Never again._

Kendall tells him, her words gentle and filled with emotion, "I love you too. You saved my life."

"No, you saved mine. When you asked me to marry you."

_Kendall: What are you saying? _

_Ryan: Well, it's really just one syllable, so try to stay with me -- yes. _

_Kendall: But do you mean it? _

_Ryan: Do you? Hey, hey, Kendall? I'm right here. Look, my arms going around you, ok? Come here. You take me at my word and I will take you at yours. Can you do that? _

_Kendall: Oh. I love how this feels. _

_Ryan: You think you can handle it for, like, the next 50 or 60 years? _

_Kendall: I think we're lucky if we can make it until tomorrow morning. _

_Ryan: I know it's a little bit of a crapshoot, but this is the way I think of it -- I figure, like, luck has got to be on our side now. You know, it's about time._

Kendall takes a few steps back. Ryan reaches out for her, unable to stop himself. As long as they are touching, everything will be okay. They can fight the world together, like they always do.

She frowns. "Well, we both know how that worked out. Why in the hell would you bring that up right now?" Her eyes silently ask _Are you trying to hurt me?_

He would never try to hurt her, not intentionally. Though he has broken her heart more times than he can count it is always because of his own fears, not because he wants to see her broken.

Kendall asks again "Are you sure you are all right? Something seems off. Talk to me. Don't shut me out. Whenever you shut me out, everything goes wrong. I thought we were in a good place these days. You saved my life and ... you survived and I survived and I was so grateful. I don't know what I would have done without you, Ryan. But now you want to bring up ancient history. Why? I can't go there with you...please don't do that to me."

She covers her eyes with her hands for a moment, then lets out a breath. "Everything has been such a mess lately...with Greenlee and Aiden and Frankie and Zach," Kendall says. "I keep waiting for things to fall into place...be like I expected...but they never do. I keep thinking tomorrow, but tomorrow never comes. Still I can't look back. I won't. Don't ask me too. Don't drag that back up again."

"I...I..." he stutters. The voices are so loud in his head- Joe, Annie, Emma, Kendall, all fighting to be heard. "I didn't mean to upset you. I'm sorry."

She gives him a small smile. "Forgiven. Now why don't you sit down? You look like hell."

He smiles. "Thanks a lot. I feel like it too."

She leads him into a waiting room and closes the door, then they sit down next to each other. "Ryan, just tell me why you look so stressed. You know I hate it when you try and keep things from me. I can handle it. Whatever it is. Why don't you lean on me for once? That's why I am here after all. I'm your friend, you know."

Friend, he hears her say. Friend. Not wife. Not fiancee. Not love of his life. Friend. And in that moment, the truth wraps around him like a strangle hold, making it hard to even breath, let alone think.

_It is 2008. She's not mine. I lost Kendall. I lost her_, runs through his mind.


	11. Rendall part two

**What Lies Beneath**

**Part Two**

Ian.

Zach.

Frankie.

All names he doesn't recognize. One of them could be the man who holds her heart now, and if not, there is someone else because a woman like Kendall could never be alone for long. Every man that meets her falls a little in love with her. Ryan topped them all though, he fell for her like a rock into the ocean, sinking so deep there was no chance to ever reach the surface again. At times he hated that, hated that he couldn't stop loving her, hated that she lied to him, hated that he was scared of what he would feel if they fell apart again, hated that she meant so damn much. But at other times she was the only thing in his world that made any sense at all. She was his love, his happiness, his hope. She used to be his whole world, even if she didn't know it.

Ryan hangs his head low, resting his hands on his knees, and refuses to meet her eyes. The weight of four lost years crushes in on him.

Kendall begs "Talk to me. Please."

When he still doesn't say a word she threatens "Fine! Then I am gonna go get a doctor to have your head examined. Because if after all these years you still don't trust me then you must be crazy, Ryan Aloysius Lavery!"

She jumps out of her seat, hands on her hips. He hurries to his feet, reaching out to touch her arm. "I'm not crazy, okay? I just...I lost..." he stumbles. Tears come to his eyes.

_I lost you_, he thinks, _And we were so close. So damn close_.

_Ryan: You kind of hijacked my chance to propose to you. So the least that you could do is let me put this on your finger, this ring. _

_Kendall: You remembered -- you remembered where I kept it. _

_Ryan: Kendall, what don't I know about you and love every single bit? Huh? Come here. Would you rather I said no? _

_Kendall: What if it doesn't happen? What if this is all just a big fantasy that I live on for the rest of my life while I'm in jail? Ryan, to be this close to you and lose you again, to never touch you again, I can't -- _

_Ryan: Not going to happen. There's going to be no prison. Not going to happen. _

_Kendall: How do you know that? _

_Ryan: Well, I do. I know it. You're going to be acquitted and you're going to be free, and on that day, we'll say "I do." _

"You lost what?" Kendall asks.

"My memory, it looks like. I guess I lost my memory. I woke up today and...something didn't feel right. I couldn't remember Annie. I couldn't remember Emma. I thought it was...I didn't think they lived with me."

"I don't understand. How long ago did you think it was? Did you think...Greenlee was still your wife?"

"Greenlee was my what?!!!!"

"Ryan, calm down."

"I married Greenlee. _Greenlee Smythe?"_

"What other Greenlee is there in the whole world? Ryan, please sit back down. You're scaring me."

With his mind racing, a headache pounding behind his temples, and a million memories of Kendall coursing through his brain, Ryan slowly sat back down.

Kendall sat next to him and took his hand. "Did you see a doctor? You need to see a doctor. Don't be all macho. This is serious. I don't want anything to happen to you. I can't handle that. I won't lose you, Ryan. Spike and Emma need you. Ian needs you. I need you."

"Spike? Ian?"

"My sons."

Finally the tears fall from his eyes. Ryan runs his hands through his hair. "You have sons?" The words are all broken.

_Where did the years go?_ he thinks. _Where did my chances go? How did she fall out of love with me? How did I lose her this time_?

Looking into her eyes, he asks the one question that he knows will break him. "Are you married?"

Her eyes search his. Before she says a word he knows the answer "Yes."

"But not to me?"

She breaths out a single word, their fate, the one he forgot about, the one he wishes he didn't know now. "No."

_How can this be my life_? he asks himself. _How?_

(_All your life is such a _

_shame, shame, shame._

_  
All your love is just a _

_dream, dream, dream._

_  
Are you happy when you're sleeping?  
Does he keep you safe and warm?  
Does he tell you when you're sorry?  
Does he tell you when you're wrong?_

_  
I've been watching you for hours.  
It's been years since _

_we were born._

_  
We were perfect when we started  
I've been wondering where we've gone._

_  
All your life is such a_

_shame, shame, shame.  
All your love is just a _

_dream, dream, dream_.) 

Kendall wraps her arms around Ryan, pulling him into a hug. "You're gonna be okay. I don't know what happened but we'll get you a doctor and...I swear on my life you will recover. I promise, Ryan. Okay? Trust me this time."

Trust. Always there big problem.

But today he does trust her. He trusts nothing but her. And if he could he would stay in her arms for every second left in his life.

Maybe he would soon remember the lost years, and what tore them apart, and who all these people she talks about that don't sound familiar are. Maybe his love for Annie, the woman who claims to be his wife, will come flooding back and this will all make sense again. Maybe...but Ryan almost wishes it never does because the last memory he has is Kendall and him kissing and falling into bed, her wearing a ring he placed on her finger, both of them filled with joy, relief and hope for the future.

A perfect moment. 2004.

And this moment of her holding him, loving him in the way she can right now. That is all he needs. That is all he wants.

"Can you tell me something?" Ryan asks Kendall

"Anything."

"Do you...do you regret us, Kendall?"

"No, no, no, I don't. I never would. You're just confused right now. You took a bullet meant for me. I caused you to get sick. You should be yelling at me."

"I don't want to yell at you. I just want...to look at you."

For a long moment, they stare in each other's eyes. Before Kendall can stop him, Ryan leans over and kisses her.

She pulls away. "Okay, okay..." she lets out a short breath. He can tell her heart is racing. "We need to call a doctor. Now. Okay? Cause I am not having you die on me. We have a son together, mister. Spike needs you alive. And sane. And remembering what year it is..." Softer she adds, "and I need that too. Don't you check out on me, Ryan. Don't you dare."

"We have a son together?" His heart soars at this news. "Oh my God, Kendall...really? We share a child?"

"A beautiful little boy. Spike Lavery. Though when I tell you the story around his birth...you are not gonna believe it, seriously...and I have another son, a few months old, with my husband."

Ryan nods. _A son. A son with Kendall_. Suddenly he does have hope again. Something went right in those years he can't remember. "Do you have a picture of him?"

With shaking hands, Kendall pulls it out of her purse. "Here you go."

Ryan looks at the face of his son, and his heart seems to heal instantly. Even though he feels intense pain over knowing that him and Kendall didn't stay together, and intense fear over what might be wrong with him, seeing Spike also gives him a jolt of courage and strength to face this.

"I'm calling for a doctor," she tells him. "Just wait right here. Everything will be okay...it has to be...it has to..."

Ryan watches Kendall head into the hallway. He would do anything to make her his again. But he will do nothing to mess up the life she had right now. He can't break her another time. He won't let her life be torn apart by his selfishness.

Instead he will let the doctors do there tests, and he will remember the years that are blank right now. He will let go of their love, like Kendall has. He will move on.

But he will never forget what it felt like to wake up today and believe he was the man she was in love with, believe that they would spend the next sixty years together, to believe he could hold on to her forever.

A little while later, Kendall comes back. "Julia says they have a room for you. Are you ready?"

Ready to let her go? Ready to stop loving her again? Ready to just be friends? No, he is not ready.

But he stands up and walks toward her anyway. Back to 2008. Back to the lives they have now. The lives they must have chosen. The lives they must want more than they want each other, though that seems impossible to comprehend.

As he comes into the hallway, Kendall says "I know this must be scary."

"I'm a little freaked. You think you could...well, I know you got a life to get back to...but could you stay with me for a little while longer?"

"For as long as you want," Kendall says.

And that is all he needs to hear to know, he will beat this. He will survive. His feelings for other people, and his memories, might came back someday but he vows in that moment to never forget his love for her. _She will forever hold a special piece of in my heart_, Ryan blinks back tears as he tells himself, _The biggest piece of my heart._

_And no one else has to know._

(_All your life is such a_

_shame, shame, shame._

_  
All your love is just a dream, dream, dream _) ( Counting Crows song called A Murder of One)

**THE END**

Thanks for reading.

All the flashback scenes from 2004 are transcripts of All My Children, and belong to ABC etc.


	12. Until You Loved Me, Ailee

Note- I decided to change the reason Greenlee asked to see Zach on 1-30-08. This is an Ailee story.

**Until You Loved Me**

She could hear the words that her father said_...there_ _is an antidote they want to try, sweetie..._and she could comprehend them and yet she couldn't.

Her eyes were locked on Aiden. All she really saw was him._ His_ fear in _his _eyes. It must really be bad for Aiden to be that scared.

Who would have thunk it? Aiden Devane, a man she never really gave a second look for years, had become the biggest part of her world, and she seemed to be the biggest part of his too. At least, it felt that way to Greenlee.

It felt like Aiden was shaking just as hard as her inside, and trying not to show it, just like she was. He wanted to be strong for her. She wanted to be perfect for him...to live for him, for them, for their chance.

But Greenlee has never been any good at pulling off perfection. She doesn't know how many seconds she has left to live, she doesn't even count her lifespan in minutes anymore. And if she has to leave him...her eyes shut as pain sucks her breath away. She can't go there.

_For right now I am alive_, she tells herself. _For this second I am alive and Aiden loves me._

"So," Greenlee asked "if I take the antidote I could die and if I don't I'll die anyway?"

"It's a little more complicated than that," Jackson said "but basically, yeah."

"A do or die choice," Greenlee said

Aiden reached out and took her hand. "Whatever you want to do...its your call."

There is only one think she truly wants. If her life is ending, there is only one thing she really needs. But she will have to have help to pull it off.

"Can I see Zach?"

The look that Jackson and Aiden share is one of concern, but no one is about to tell her no.

Jackson answers first "Sure, honey." And then he leaves to go find the man she has requested, knowing he won't be far away. Kendall, Ryan, Annie, and Zach linger around the hospital and if they must leave they always hurry back. No one wants to be too far away...just in case. There is not much anyone can do, but be there, and be there they must. It wouldn't feel right to give up on Greenlee now. No one wants to let go, not yet, not ever.

Aiden bent down and kissed Greenlee's cheek. "I will be right outside, okay? I'm not gonna leave you."

"You don't mind being stuck with me?"

"I'm used to you now."

"Bet you never thought our little fling would trap you in a relationship with a chick who goes straight from being a fugitive to falling down a hole for five weeks to getting poisoned. Never a dull day, huh? Am I driving you crazy yet?"

"Yeah."

She smiles.

He said "But good crazy. The kind of crazy I'd like to keep around."

Tears come to her eyes, she nods just as Zach walks in. "You rang?"

"Hey," she said, her words thick with unshed tears, as she tries to fake a smile. "Yeah, I need to talk to you."

Aiden looked at her for a long moment, his eyes drinking her in, with a bittersweet sadness in his expression that he couldn't hide, even if he tried. Greenlee kept her eyes on him as he turned and walked out of the room.

Zach closed the door and then came and sat next to her. "So what's going on , brat?"

"They say I need to take an antidote. The same antidote that gave Frankie a heartache. But if I don't I die anyway. Looks like I'm gonna have to roll the dice and hope it don't come up snake eyes."

"Oh, I get it. I own a casino. You wanna know your odds?"

She shakes her head, smiling slightly at his stupid sense of humor that hardly no one really gets. "No, I want to call in a favor. There is one thing I really want to do before I take the antidote but since I am stuck in this stupid bed I can't go out and get all the stuff I need-"

"Stuff? What you doing? Throwing a party in the ICU?"

"Something like that..." For a long moment she is quiet, as the weight of everything settles in on her. She finally speaks, softly and slowly, "I used to not care if I lived or died. When I first came back to town and I saw Ryan...happy with someone that wasn't me. And I saw Kendall with her son...who I couldn't stop wishing was my son. And there was nothing I could do to get that life I wanted, and no way to get over it, I really didn't want to go on. I don't think Aiden knows how he saved my life...how the way he loves me is the one really beautiful thing that I can count on in my world. He doesn't know because I don't know how to put it in words."  
"Just say what you just did," Zach told her. "To him. Not me. Cause I like you but not like that."

"Right back at ya," she joked. "The thing is...if Kendall was here I would ask her, but she's not. So do you think you can play stand in best girlfriend?"

He raised an eyebrow. "_Girlfriend_?"

"Fine! Pitch hitter," she amended. "Come on, can you help me out? Do everything I tell you and quick so I can give Aiden this present before I take the antidote...so I can know I gave him what I could before its too late."

"Just name it. Whatever you need me to do, its done."

Greenlee smiled. Her eyes moved away from Zach and over to the window, where they connected with Aiden. She let out a breath. Right in that moment, there was poison coursing through her veins, getting closer and closer to stealing away her life with every second that passed, but she couldn't focus on that, not right now. Right now, there was Aiden looking in her eyes, loving her more than she deserved. There was the man she loved and didn't want to leave behind. He was all that mattered now.


	13. Ailee, part two

**Until You Loved Me**

**Part Two**

Aiden tore his eyes away from Greenlee, as he stared at her through the window to her hospital room. He started to pace, running his hands through his short cropped dark hair.

_She will not die,_ he told himself. _She is not dying. She's strong as hell. She's sticking around. I love that woman and she loves me. Nothing is over_.

Right now it was a toss up what was pounding harder: his heart or his head. He could barely think straight. Every time a doctor said anything to him he wanted to scream or slug someone. How could none of them, with their expensive advanced degrees and years and years of experience, not know what they were doing? How could Greenlee's life be resting in the hands of these people?

Jackson placed a hand on his shoulder. "She's a fighter. She's not giving up and we can't either."

"If I gave up her, it'd be the same as giving up on breathing." He grounds out, feeling each word in his gut, "I'm not giving up ever."

"Good. That's good. She's in for the fight of her life. And she needs you."

Aiden turns around and looks through the window again. "Does she?"

Jackson followed his gaze. "Zach? He's her sister's husband."

"Yeah, and her and Kendall have never fought over a man before. Or wait- yeah they have. Can you say Cage Death Match?" he asked bitterly.

It killed him that some other man seemed able to give Greenlee what she needed more than he could. But more than that, he wanted her to have whatever comfort she could find, especially right now, so Aiden would not do a damn thing to stop her from leaning on Zach.

But that didn't mean he had to like it.

"You really think my daughter doesn't love you?" Jackson asked, with anger lacing every word. "If you think that then just leave. I mean it, get out of here. Cause if she sees in your eyes your lack of faith in her, that will be the thing that kills her! She hasn't looked at a man the way she looks at you since Leo...and even then she didn't look at him quite the same. She was young. She thought everyone got that kind of love. She knows better now. Can't you see that?"

Aiden knows every word Jack said is true. His anger and frustration turns on himself. "I know! Okay, mate? Okay, _I know_. She thinks I'm some kind of hero. She thinks I can make everything in her world right again and I want to. But I can't! I can't! Damn it. Damn this hospital. Damn this poison. Damn all of this...She can't die. I...I...won't be able to...No, I can't be here without her."

In his strong and steady voice that has soothed everyone of his children, and his niece and nephew, Jackson said "The antidote will work. She will recover."

"God, I hope you're right. You gotta be right," Aiden whispered.

Zach walked out of the room. "She's all yours again, man," he said as he breezed past them and headed for the elevator.

Aiden walked back into the hospital room to find Greenlee sitting up in bed, smoothing down her hair and tucking it behind her ears, before she gave him a shaky smile. "Hey," she said softly, as if all the light in her world just came back, as soon as she saw him.

She patted the bed and he sat down next to her. Aiden said "Did you decide...about the antidote?"

"Don't look like I have a lot of choice, I'm taking it. But before I do..." Greenlee reached out and took his hand.

For a long moment, she just rubbed his hand and stared in his eyes. Aiden wished he had the power to stop time. This is all he wanted for the rest of his life, to be holding her hand and seeing her smiling at him.

Greenlee said "This antidote it might save me but I...we have to face the fact that it might not."

"Don't think that way!"

"Aiden," she whispered his name. "I have not had a long life and if you asked me six months ago I would have said that I haven't had a good life either. But...in a lot of ways, I have. I always wanted more though. More, more, more. More shoes. More clothes. More money. More gorgeous men in love with me," She chuckled through her tears. "More from Kendall. More from Ryan and Jack and Erica and my mom and...well, you get the idea. I was this deep endless well and no matter how much I ever got, I couldn't be filled up...until I fell in love with you. If someone was taking bets three years ago about where I would be right now, and me and you in love was a choice, I don't think either of us would have picked it back then. I never saw you coming. I was just being my normal, selfish, silly little girl self...when I came home this last time...I was greedy and I felt entitled to what everyone else had, so I set out to take it from them. You see, I had love before, I had Leo. And so I knew what I was missing. And I was so pissed off at God for not giving me another great big love like that. For not making Ryan love me like that...but he never did. He couldn't. I was so foolish that I would have rather died then go on without someone loving me, choosing me. Then you did. And I got, probably...no, definitely, I definitely got the best lucky break of my life. Because you are the only man- in this town, on this planet- who can put up with me and make me have hope again and make me feel...like I am the missing piece of your life and you are the missing piece of mine."

_The missing piece_, the words repeated in his mind, and then settled into his soul. _Yes, that's what she is to me_, he thought

(_I will be the answer at the end of the line  
I will be there for you while you_

_take the time._

_  
In the burning of uncertainty,_

_I will be your solid ground._

_  
I will hold the balance if you can't look down_) (Sarah McLachlan) 

Aiden ran one hand through her hair, then cupped her cheek. "So you got to fight. Fight with all you got. I want us to last for a good long time. You gotta stay here with me, okay?"

"That's what I want to." Her eyes filled with shyness. "I just can't guarantee that this antidote will work, and if it doesn't, there is just one more thing I want to do in my life before...Oh, God, why is this so hard to get out? Okay, okay, I'm just going to spit it out and you have to promise you won't freak. Here goes... I know we haven't been together all that long. But hell, we move fast, right? From mercy sex to running from the law to living together all in a few insane months. I know that we don't have to rush us...that we could take this thing slow...and I want to do that...to fall in love with you a little more everyday...but, you know, I just don't know if I have all that many days or minutes or seconds left. But whatever I do have...I want to spend as your wife."

His heart nearly stopped in his chest.

She cried, with tears running down her face, "I love you! I'm crazy about you! I like finding out things about you I didn't know from your bad taste in music- you know its true- to the fact that you eat weird British food like Haggis. I like finding out all the things I overlooked about you all these years. Finding the man underneath the surface that I never bothered to notice before. And I want to keep doing that...falling for you a little more everyday...I just want to do that as your wife. So what do you say? Aiden Devane, will you marry me?"

He choked out "You're serious?"

She nodded and then he kissed her, soft and slow, savoring this woman who he considered a gift from the Heavens. "You never fail to blow my mind, you know that, right?"

Greenlee smiled. Her eyes searched his. "In a good way, I hope."

"In the best way," he assured her.

For all the days of his life, before he fell for her, he had been floundering, without a compass or a purpose. Now the whole meaning of his world rested in a pair of dark eyes that shined even in her worst moments, that looked at him with a kind of need he had never seen before. He was essential to her, and she was the only thing he cared about in his whole world now. He would spend his life proving to her just how deep his love ran.

Aiden vowed to make up for all his mistakes and become worthy of Greenlee's love and devotion once more.

(_If it takes my whole life,_

_I won't break_

_I won't bend_

_  
It'll all be worth it,_

_worth it in the end._

_  
Cause I can only tell you what I know-  
that I need you in my life._

_  
When the stars have all gone out  
you'll still be burning so bright_)

He asked, "Are you really sure this is what you want though? You don't have to do this just because you think...we won't get another chance. We will get our chance. I swear that to you. You will recover, get out of this hospital and be back to your life...our life. We have all the time in the world."

"I don't want to push you into something you don't want..." she said, her words swimming with uncertainty.

"Greenlee-"

She interrupted him "It's just that they are going to give me this shot and then a sedative and I'm going to fall asleep...and I may never wake back up. I don't want to leave you a widow, I don't. I would never want to do that to you. But ever since we've been together I have started to learn that we have to cherish every second we have...because we don't know what the next one will bring or if we will even have a next one. I can't count on us having time. We have right now. Right now I would be proud to spend my seconds as your wife...and to call you my husband." She bit her lip, nervously. She started to speak really fast. "You know I've been married before and you haven't and I understand if this is not the way you want to get married-"

"Yes."

"It's okay if you want to say no." She stopped, her eyes were locked on his. "Did you just say yes?"

"Yes," Aiden repeated. "Hell yes, I want to be your husband. Sign me up."

Greenlee threw her arms around his neck, hugging him as tightly as she could. Her tired and weak body sagged against his, drawing in strength. When she finally pulled away she asked "Really?"

He kissed her again, and this time it was with a passion and intensity that made her believe he meant every word of what he said.

Though he was shocked that she had suggested marriage, he had to admit that, over the last few days while she was sick, he had thought about how he wanted her to be his wife. For the whole world to know, without a doubt, he was the man who belonged by her side, who would take care of her, who would pull her through this crisis. He wasn't sure he deserved her love, but he was damn glad that he had it. And he planned to never let it go.

(_If it takes a whole life,_

_I won't break_

_I wont bend_

_  
It'll all be worth it,_

_worth it in the end.Cause I can only tell you what I know-  
that I need you in my life._

_  
And when the stars have all burned out  
you'll still be burning_

_so bright_

_  
Cast me gently into morning for the night has been unkind_)


	14. Ailee, part three

Part Three

_PG- 13 for language and mentions of death and drugs._

**Until You Loved Me**

Twenty minutes later and most of their friends and family knew that within the hour Greenlee Smythe would be wed to Aiden Devane.

Jack went to search for a priest, preacher, judge or even willing rabbi to perform the ceremony. Reggie, who had just gotten off a plane after flying in from college, was put on phone duty. His job was to call the fusion girls, Greenlee's grandparents, Lily, Sean and Ryan. He had to convince them to put the pedal to the medal and hightail it to Pine Valley Hospital because this wedding would wait for no man. Greenlee didn't have the time to waste.

Erica went searching for Tad, and found him by Frankie's bedside. She figured Aiden needed a best man and told Tad he would be it. Tad didn't think to argue with the feisty brunette, knowing it would be futile.

XXXXXXXX

Kendall found Greenlee alone in her hospital room. She gave her an odd look. "Our brother just told me you are..._getting married_? Do you think Reggie started smoking weed at school? Cause you are not getting married, right? I mean I would know first if my sister was getting married, right?"

Greenlee smiled and said "I'm getting married."

Kendall squealed. "EEEEE! You're getting married!"

They hugged. Kendall said "I leave for one hour and you go making big decisions without my input. Hmph."

"Sorry, but time was of the essence, as they say." Greenlee's face grew serious. "The doctors want to give me an antidote and it might save my life...if it doesn't kill me instantly, that is."

Kendall stilled. For a long moment, she just stared in Greenlee's eyes, as the full weight of all she would lose if Greenlee was to die hit her, and then her features creased with frustration and anger.

"What in the hell is wrong with the doctors in this place? This is the option they offer you? Die or take an antidote that might make you die anyway? That's what they call good medicine? I'll sue. No, I'll do better than sue. I'll hire a private eye to dig up every secret about every doctor or nurse in this joint and expose them in front of the whole town. They can't put you in this position. I will not stand for it."

"Okay, okay," Greenlee said gently. "Relax. Dr. Hubbard gave me the only option she has available right now. Don't you think if there was a better one she would use it on her own son? This is the only option...and I am taking it. But first I want to become Mrs. Aiden Devane." She smiled weakly. "Do one thing right in my life before I croak."

Kendall sat down on the bed with her. She said, softly, "You did plenty right. And plenty wrong."

Greenlee chuckled.

Kendall went on "Before I met you...well before I_ liked_ you...and then hated you and then liked you, hated you, loved you, despised you, loved you again..."

"I get it."

"Before all that, I didn't have any female friends. Didn't trust the sneaky little wenches."

"With good reason."

"Very good," Kendall agreed as they shared a misty eyed look. "But you snuck in under my radar. I don't know how you pulled it off but you went from That Bitch that Stole Ryan to my business partner to my best friend to my...sister. You were my sister before Jack married Erica, and you are my sister now that they are divorced. And...you can't die! So don't try it, missy!"

"If I do, I promise to haunt you."

Through a sad smile, Kendall whispered "Not good enough, I need you here. And Aiden needs you. He...he was lost without you when you were missing. I never thought I would see the day but you pulled it off...you made Aiden fall. He's out of his mind crazy about you. Your second biggest fan...after me."

Tears streamed out of Greenlee's eyes. She wiped them away. "I love him just as much. I'm going to fight hard. But if I don't make it, will you take care of him for me?"

"No."

"WHAT?"

"No, I won't. I won't take care of him. And I won't let Annie or Ryan or Zach or Tad or our parents. No one. So you better live and do it yourself."

Greenlee smiled. "You are such a bitch."

"I know but you love me anyway. Now lets get some make up on you, chickee, you can't get married looking all washed out. Its just not done."

XXXXXXXXX

Zach came walking off the elevator, his hands jam packed with various things Greenlee had ordered him to get. Josh spotted him first. "Hey, man, what's the deal? You need some help?"

Zach was trying to hold a lacy veil, flowers, streamers, a bottle of champagne and a package of plastic champagne flutes. He passed the veil off to Josh. "Here, take this."

"Do I even want to know why you have all this stuff?" asked Josh

"You haven't heard? Follow me. There's a wedding about to be underway and I'm a bridesmaid."

Josh busted up laughing. "Did you say bridesmaid?"

Zach shot him a cold look, pretending to be offended. "I will have you know I look amazing in blue." He threw a streamer over his shoulder, wearing it like a stash.

Straight faced Josh said "That's hot." Then he rolled his eyes and followed Zach down the hall.

XXXXXXXXX

Aiden sat in the chapel at the hospital. He needed a few moments alone to wrap his head around what he was about to do. This is not the way he wanted to marry Greenlee. He wanted her to have the ceremony of her dreams, even if it bankrupted him, which it might with the way she went through cash like it was water. But he wouldn't care. Just as long as his bride was happy.

Tugging on his heart was the fact that she might not be his bride for long. Their marriage could last all of ten minutes. Right after the vows she had to take the antidote, and after that, it was all in God's hands.

So Aiden laid himself there now. He asked for forgiveness for cheating on Greenlee, for giving up on her ever coming home, for losing his faith then, and for it being on thin ice now. He wanted to believe she would live, but stark fear held him back from being able to fully do that. He could barely think, let alone reason. If she died, he would surely go insane.

His mind filled with memories- image after image- of their time together: the beach, the bar, the watch with the love story she concocted about it, making love on the floor of their apartment, waking up with her resting on his chest.

Aiden knew about how to kill a man, without carrying regrets, but he didn't know how to live...if he had to watch the woman he loved die...there would be no life after Greenlee.

Not for him, at least.

The world might keep turning but he would never know it. His world would stop if she left it, of that he was positive.

(_How could I live?  
Why would I try?_

_  
"I could learn to live without you."_

_  
Well, that's a lie._

_  
No giving in, no saying goodbye._

_  
All comes down to one thing_

_that all of this means _

_nothing without you._

_  
All of this means nothing without you_) ( Bo Bice) 

Tad stuck his head into the chapel. "Thought I would find you in here. It's about time. Ready to get hitched, old buddy?"

Aiden slowly stood up and crossed the room.

Tad asked "You sure you want to do this?"

"I'm sure I love her. I'm sure I want a life with her. I don't want to start it like this. I want her out of that damn bed and home with me! But...yeah, I'm sure."

Tad clamped his hand on Aiden's shoulder. "Love can...sometimes love causes miracles. Not every time, I won't lie to you about that. But sometimes...so if you really love her, you concentrate on that...it could be the thing that saves her."

_God, I hope so_, Aiden thought. _She's the sun in my world. I can't make it without my sun_.

_(How could I live?  
Why would I try?_

_  
I could learn to live without you  
while I would die._

_  
No giving in, no saying goodbye._

_  
All comes down to one thing _

_that all of this means_

_nothing without you_) 


	15. Ailee, part four

_Note- Ryan does not have amnesia in this. And Greenlee has more energy than she had in the scenes on the show._

****

Until You Loved Me.

Jack stepped into Greenlee's room. She was decked out in a tiara and veil. "Daughter."

"Dad."

"You look lovely."

"For a sick chick in hospital garb, you mean."

"Prettiest sick chick for miles." Jack came and sat on her bed. "Honey, all of this came about so fast. I just got used to the idea of you and Aiden being together and now he is about to become my son- in-law."

"Are you saying you think we are making a mistake?" her tone was hurt. She studied him closely, ready to fight him and the whole world, if that is what it took to make them see that she knew her own heart.

"No, I'm not. It's not for me to say. I'm not even telling you to wait. I know you want this. You want to know your future is secure and I want that for you too." He kissed her cheek. "Only the best for my girl."

She smiled. "Aiden is the best. The best for me...and I'm as shocked as anyone that I fell for him overnight. Its like I was this messed up bratty single woman who hated all happy, happy couples five minutes ago and now I'm half of one of those happy, happy absolutely crazy in love couples. And its great!"

With a smile, he said "I'm happy for you. Lets get you married and then get you well and out of this place. I don't mind telling you, I hate it here."

"Oh, I don't know, its sort of growing on me. Everyone around all the time, holding my hand, telling me they love me and can't live without me. It has its perks."

Even with her life on the line, Greenlee Smythe still held on to her sense of humor, and her sense of style. Kendall had called Amanda and made her bring designer high heels for Greenlee to wear. Even though she couldn't get out of bed, that was no reason to be unfashionable, they both figured.

Greenlee noticed a crowd gathering in the hallway. "Just about time, huh?"

"Looks like it, sweetie."  
"And afterwards I have to take the antidote."

Jackson took her hand. "I have faith in Dr. Hubbard. I think this will be the cure that saves you."

"I pray you're right. I'm not ready to leave Aiden behind. Not yet. I'm just getting used to his accent. Do you think if we had babies together they would inherit that? No, right? That's not the way it works, is it? Darn. Cause that would be kinda cute."

Jackson chuckled. "I love you, you know that, don't you? I feel like it was a really lucky day when I found out that you were my child. And I'm grateful you are letting me be your dad."

Greenlee hugged him. "I was the lucky one, dad."

XXXXXXX

Kendall was rallying the troops in the hallway. "Okay, Tad, fix that tie. Messy chic is out now. Reggie and Lily, you have your purple flowers, right?"

Reggie said "I'm too old and too male to be a flower girl."

Kendall said "Just toss. Toss and smile, little brother."

Lily said "I have sixty seven petals so I will throw six with each step because there are 11 steps between the door and the bed. Then I will have one petal left but that can't be helped unless I rip some of these into pieces and that would not be as aesthetically pleasing to look at."

"Okay, good." Kendall said "Smart thinking." Kendall next called out." Ryan! Zach! You ready to be bridesmaids? You have your boutonnieres on?"

Zach had his pinned to his shirt. Ryan was holding his.

"Put it on," she said "On. On."

"Okay, okay," Ryan grumbled as Annie helped him get it on.

Kendall turned to Babe and Amanda. "Got the bouquets, Amanda? Great. And you, Babe, you warm up those lips."

"For what?" she asked, her eyes wide.

"For what do you think?" Ava asked, snarkily. "She doesn't want you to french her. She's telling you that you have to sing, duh."

Kendall glared at her then called out loudly. "Jonathan!"

He was standing a few feet behind her. "Yeah?"  
"You are on Ava duty. I don't want any trouble. You make a tabloid moment at my sister's wedding and I'm gonna give you a tabloid headline you won't like, Miss Benton. It will read Fusion Babe Fired and kicked out on her ass." Kendall focused on Babe again. "Yes, I need you to sing. Krystal has a good voice. You probably inherited that, right?"

"I don't sing in public. That's mama thing."

"Today, that's your thing," Kendall told her in a tone that left no room for arguement.

Aiden walked down the hall. He had changed into a suit.

Kendall called out "Okay, okay, people, look alive. Five minutes and counting. Preacher, you do know your lines, right? I'm sure you do. You do this all the time, right? You aren't a newbie, are you?"

The preacher, who Jackson found at the church across the street, looked about ninety years old. "I think I remember what to say."

Kendall looked at him worriedly. Zach said "He's kidding. He's just kidding."

Kendall smiled, nervously. "Oh, funny." Then she spun around. " Babe! Lets go over those lyrics."

"But I don't-"

"Okay, great!" Kendall said. "The song Greenlee wants is..."

XXXXXXXXX

Aiden stepped away from the madness in the hallway and ducked into Greenlee's room.

She cried, holding up her arms to block her face, "You can't see me before the ceremony!"

He covered his eyes. "That better?"

"Yes. So, you look good, soon- to- be hubby."

"Oh, yeah, well that Amanda dame shoved this at me and pushed me toward the bathroom. I took that to mean I was supposed to change. Glad you approve."

"I do. Very hot indeed. Too bad we can't have a real wedding night tonight."

Aiden tried to walk closer and ran into the bed. "Ugh."

"Careful, baby." Greenlee giggled. She couldn't believe it but she was feeling better. Maybe it was all the excitement of knowing she would soon be legally bound to this man she loved more than any other on earth.  
Aiden stumbled over to the bed. Still covering his eyes, he bent down to kiss her. Greenlee kissed his lips softly, savoring the moment. He said "We'll have our honeymoon. Just name the time and place. Except a spa. I don't do spas."

"You'd do a spa for me, wouldn't you?"

"Greens..."

"I love spas.'

Smiling he said "Bugger. I guess I could do a spa. Once. Maybe once I could. I might look good in a mud bath."

"I don't want to take you to a spa. What are you? A girl?" she teased.

He chuckled. "I'd go anywhere with you. Follow you around the world and back. I kinda like you, if you haven't noticed."

"Good. That should work out well for when I'm your wife."

"My wife," he said in a low voice. "My wife, Greenlee. Sounds damn good."

She smiled as tears came to her eyes. "My husband..." she said tenderly, and then joked." Aiden Smythe- Devane."

His hands dropped from before his eyes. "Hyphenating? Really?"

"Just kidding. But Smythe-Devane has quite a ring to it. Maybe we can call our Detective Agency that."

"Maybe we can call our cat that."

"We're getting a cat?"

" No. And we aren't getting a detective agency, either. But anything else you want, consider it yours."

Looking into his eyes, she said "I just want you."

He kissed her. "Done deal."


	16. Ailee, part five

**Until There Was You**

**Chapter Five**

The guests huddled close in the small hospital room. This included Greenlee's grandparents, Erica, Jackson, Josh, Angie, Julia, Jonathan, Ava, Sean, Annie, Amanda, Babe and Rachel who had Spike in her arms and was holding Emma's hand while little Ian was at home, sleeping. Zach had thrown some money around down at city hall and talked a clerk into giving him a wedding license for Greenlee and Aiden.

The preacher said "We are gathered here today to celebrate the love of , from what I have been told by one very headstrong matron of honor, a very remarkable couple. Aiden and Greenlee, in the short time they have been in love, have already overcome great obstacles and difficulties. By leaning on each other they have grown stronger in their love until they reached today when they are ready to pledge to stand by each other for all the rest of the days of their lives. It is a beautiful thing to see a love so strong that it can give one strength to face any adversary, be it in the body or the mind or from another person. I ask all of the guests that are here today to pledge to support this union, for God does not make mistakes. We are all here for a reason. And that reason is love."

He looked at Babe and she sighed, still nervous about singing in front of a crowd. But since Kendall would surely slap her silly if she didn't, Babe opened her mouth and sang the Beatles song "There

were bells on a hill  
but I never heard them ringing.  
No I never heard them at all  
till there was you..."

Reggie walked in, tossing his rose petals, followed by Lily, who did the same. Greenlee smiled at her siblings.

Babe sang, "There were birds in the sky  
but I never saw them winging.

No I never saw them at all  
till there was you..."

Ryan walked in next, wearing a huge smile, and doing a half step glide like a bride would walk. He obviously was getting a kick out of being a bridesmaid. Greenlee thought it was only right to ask him and Zach. She cared about them both and, though they could have been groomsmen, Greenlee liked saying they were on her side of this wedding.

Zach walked in next, carrying a bouquet, and took his place next to Ryan. The room was jam packed now. Tad squeezed in next.

"Then there was music and wonderful roses  
they tell me in sweet fragrant meadows of dawn and dew.

There was love all around  
but I never heard it singing.  
No I never heard it at all  
till there was you... "

It was Kendall's turn and she walked in. She already had tears in her eyes which immediately made Greenlee tear up. Then Aiden appeared in the doorway, and the tears flowed freely down Greenlee's cheeks.

She used to think, after Leo was gone, that love was a game. She had won some rounds, but lost most, until she sat down next to Aiden one drunken night at ConFusion. And though being with him was always fun, thrilling in a way that simple things had never been before, it wasn't a game at all. It was a beautiful adventure, and a life that she came to love. Being his woman, his choice, his lover, completed her in a way she didn't think she could be before. He changed what she thought of herself and how she looked at the world.

He made her happy.

She only hoped she could keep giving that gift back to him for years to come. She hoped she had more than minutes to live. She wanted a lifetime, seventy more years at least, of being Aiden's wife.

Babe finished the song "Then there was music and wonderful roses  
they tell me in sweet fragrant meadows of dawn and dew.

There was love all around  
but I never heard it singing.  
No I never heard it at all.  
Till there was you.

Till there was you."

Aiden squeezed past all the guests and ended up next to Greenlee's bed. He took her hand. The preacher started the ceremony. He said "The bride and groom have decided to say their own vows. Aiden would you like to go first?"

Aiden cleared his throat. "Greenlee, you shook up my world. I've known you for years. But I never knew you- not really. I didn't know how to make you laugh. I didn't know how tough you were or how brave. I had been living in this town all this time but I never took the time to really see you. Call me an idiot. I know it was a bonehead move. I should have been kicking down your door from day one. But maybe it worked out just right. I think so. Cause for the first time..." He started to get choked up. "For the first time... I feel like I'm doing the exact right thing at the exact right moment. I love you. It will be my honor to be your husband. Just know... I will never leave you, you have my word...you own my heart."

Greenlee felt floored by his statements. She couldn't have felt luckier in that moment. Even if she was sick, she was also becoming Mr. Aiden Devane, and that excited the hell out of her.

She said "Aiden, you turned my world upside down too. You had been around for years but suddenly you were the only man in the world who...I missed if he wasn't standing right in front of me. At first I just liked the distraction but then I found I couldn't remember what I had been trying to get distracted from. On some level I knew, but it stopped mattering. Only you mattered. Only how it felt when you were with me. Only how I knew I could count on you and laugh with you and finally be just me...that just me was good enough for you. I asked you to marry me because even though the last few months have been filled with absolutely one crazy mess after another...I still felt like I was blessed. Until you loved me, if someone asked, I would say I was cursed. But I'm not anymore. You broke my curse. I am so grateful that you fell in love with me and for as long as I have I will be the best wife I can...cause you deserve the best. And I will never leave you...I promise you that...you are stuck with this drama queen for life."

With tears in his eyes, he whispered "Good."

The preacher asked for the ring.

Kendall cried out, under her breath, "Crud. Rings! Why didn't anyone remember rings!"

Jackson said "I have that covered." He pulled two rings out of his pocket. "Erica and I would like to donate ours...you can keep these if you want, sweetie."

"Me wear Erica's ring?" Greenlee asked in a surprised tone.

Erica said "If you don't want to..."

"Do you want me to?"

"Well, it seems right that the ring that symbolizes mine and Jack's love stays in the family...even if I can't wear it anymore."

"You consider me family. Since _when?_"

"You know you became my daughter the day I married Jack- and that supercedes divorce. Don't try to weasel out of it now."

Greenlee smiled and nodded. Aiden took the rings from Jack. They placed the rings on their fingers. The preacher asked each of them if they took the other to be their lawfully wedded spouse.

Aiden said "Hell yes, I do."

Greenlee softly said "I do, completely."

"With the power vested in me by the State of Pennsylvania I now pronounce you husband and wife. What God has brought together let no man put asunder. You may now kiss your bride."

Aiden bent down and gave Greenlee a soft kiss. Then she threw her arms around him and hugged him tight, wearing a radiant smile on her face, as everyone cheered.

Suddenly Greenlee passed out. The room went silent as she became limp in Aiden's arms. The moniters she was hooked up showed that she had flatlined.

Angie called out "Everyone out! Julia, get me a crash cart!"

Aiden laid her back on the bed. He touched her cheek. "Greens. Greens. Come on, don't leave me. Sweetie. Please, don't...I love you...I can't be here without-"

"Aiden., move back," Angie said.

"NO!" Tears flew out of his eyes. Ryan grabbed him and drug him into the hallway. Aiden ran his hands through his hair, distraught and shaking. Tad gave him a hug and Aiden started to cry even harder.

He thought, _God, save my wife. I need her. Please let me keep my wife...she wants to have kids one day. I promised her we'd find a surrogate and we'd buy a house and we'd see London. Let me keep my promise. Let me keep my wife._


	17. ailee, part six

**Until You Loved Me**

Chapter Six

Angie Hubbard worked frantically to get Greenlee's heart started again. The wedding guests were all shoved into the hallway.

Aiden moved away from Tad and tried to go back into the hospital room, convinced that if he could just hold Greenlee's hand than her heart would beat once more. But before he could get inside, he was jerked back by Tad. "Come on, buddy. Let them do their job. Let them save her."

I was supposed to be the one who saved her, Aiden thought, I promised to save her every time.

"Get the paddles!" Angie yelled.

Aiden prayed, _God, you know how much I need her...but I'm not asking you to save her for me or even for her family...save her because she's a beautiful soul and she deserves more time. Please, don't take her yet_. 

(_Pray God,  
you can cope._

I stand outside this woman's work,   
this woman's world.

Ooh, it's hard on the man,  
now his part is over.

Now starts the craft of the father. ) ( Maxwell)

XXXXXXXXXX

Zach tried to take Kendall into his arms but she shook him off. Her hands rested flat on the glass of the window as she stared inside of Greenlee's room. She couldn't even think. She couldn't cry. She couldn't talk or scream or beg. All the people gathered behind her might as well have not been there at all. All she could see was Greenlee, her best friend, her sister, slipping away right before her eyes.

One word repeated over and over in her mind: _Live, live, live, live, live, live, live..._

(_I know you have a little life in you yet.  
I know you have a lot of strength left.  
I know you have a little life in you yet.  
I know you have a lot of strength left._

I should be crying, but I just can't let it show. I should be hoping, but I can't stop thinking

Of all the things I should've said,  
That I never said.  
All the things we should've done,  
Though we never did.   
All the things I should've given,  
But I didn't.)

Greenlee's body lifted off the bed, as her heart was shocked, and she fell back down again. Kendall felt a shiver rock her own body in that instant.

Her eyes closed, unable to see this horrific sight for one second longer, and in her mind she remembered so many days gone by that she spent loving or hating, wanting to hug and wanting to kill, missing and cursing her cosmic twin. All the arguing and snarking and payback meant nothing now. What truly mattered were the words Kendall spoke to Greenlee months before, when she returned to Pine Valley, "_You belong to us_." To Kendall, to Ryan, it was sick, some people would say, but they were intertwined in a way that could never be broken.

Kendall wouldn't let that string be cut right now. Greenlee had to stay alive, here, where they could fight and make up a million more times. She opened her eyes and saw that Angie was shocking Greenlee again. Spinning around, not wanting to see or hear if the doctor was to give up and pronounce her sister dead, Kendall sought out Ryan's eyes. In them she found a small piece of hope. He hadn't given up. Either could she.

Zach reached out for her, and Kendall collapsed into his arms.

XXXXXXXX

Aiden whispered, his voice choked with tears, "Come on, come on, baby, breathe. Greens, you gotta breathe. Fight! Please...fight."

Angie looked at Julia. The moment hung in time.

Aiden screamed "Don't stop! Keep trying! Bring her back to me!"

Tad patted his shoulder. "Shhh, shhh."

With tears running down his face, Aiden said "Save my wife, please." He had loved every moment of loving her, even the craziest times and the most desperate, because he felt truly alive once he fell in love with her. He felt like his life had meaning. He finally got it. The big it. He got why we were born and why people got married and he understood how someone could die of a broken heart, literally.

He had been asleep before then, but Greenlee Smythe woke him up, and he thanked God everyday that she had.

(_Oh, darling, make it go,  
Make it go away._

Give me these moments back.  
Give them back to me.  
Give me that little kiss.   
Give me your hand. )

XXXXXXXXX

Greenlee found herself in a place that was all white light and soft sweet music. Her body felt warm, healed. There was no safer place that had even been created. The only other time she felt close to how she felt here was in Aiden's arms.

She turned around slowly and smiled. "You're here."

He walked towards her. "Yes."

"I didn't think you would be here."

"You were hoping I was somewhere in Paris, sipping lattes."

"Yes."

"Lattes were always more your thing."

"So...I'm dead then?"

"You think this is Heaven?" He smiled. "This is just the waiting room."

"Its beautiful."

"You like it here? Everyone does. Life is ugly and cold at times. Here its always...well, heavenly, pardon the pun."

She laughed. "Oh, I've missed you!"

"Right back at ya. But I think this was a little bit of a dramatic way to meet up again."

"I didn't do it on purpose. I was trapped in a hole for five weeks. Five weeks with no shower, no change of clothes, no make up, no hair products, not even a lousy chapstick! I was bitten by a snake and had to drink water from some kind of root that poisoned me. I almost didn't make it back to Aiden at all and now...Aiden. Aiden. Will I never see him again? Until he is here, I mean. Will I not get to be his wife...to raise his children...is it over?"  
"That's up to you. I didn't come here to greet you and bring you into the kingdom of Heaven. I came to tell you that you have a choice. You can turn and go back or stay here with me."

"Its up to me?"

"Its your life, Greenlee, its your fate."

"Its so peaceful here."

"Yes, it is." He brought her into a hug.

XXXXXXXXXXX

"One more time!" Angie said as she lifted up the paddle again. She pressed them to Greenlee's chest.

Aiden sucked in a breath. He watched as Greenlee's body jumped from the jolt. She relaxed into the bed again and then they all heard beep, beep, beep as the monitor registered her heart beating again. He let out his breath "Oh, thank God. Thank you. Oh...Greenlee. You scared the hell out of me."

Greenlee moaned but here eyes stayed close.

Angie said "Okay, get the antidote. We've got to get it into her right away. The poison is attacking all her vital organs and if we don't counteract it quick we won't be able to get her back again."

Julia administered the antidote.

A few minutes later, Aiden finally was allowed back into the room. He pulled up a chair by Greenlee's bed and took her hand. He kissed it. "Well, wife, that nearly stopped my heart...I thought you were leaving me already. Can't have that. I'd probably turn into a boring stick in the mud without you around. Nobody else on this whole planet could be a better partner in crime and love and life for me than you. So hang on, my love. This is just the start for us...I love you. And I think the best thing I ever did was become Mr. Aiden Smythe- Devane." He kissed her forehead. "I'm waiting on you, baby. I'll be here when you wake up."


	18. ailee, part seven

**Until You Loved Me**

**A Day Later**

Greenlee had woken up in the middle of the night, a little dazed by ready to grab life with both hands and not let go. Aiden had been sitting by her bedside when her eyes first opened. His smile lit up every part of his face and her smile and happiness at seeing him shone from her eyes. They just stared at each other for a long moment, before he called for the nurse, and in that moment they made their first memory as husband and wife.

Now she was sitting up in bed and already begging him to get her released.

"No way!"

"But, Aiden..._hubby_, don't you want me home with you? Don't you want to start our honeymoon like right this very second? Book some tickets to an island- any island, but one that has massage therapists cause I so need a good massage- and we can leave on the redeye."

"You are out of your mind, woman. You just woke up less than twelve hours ago. And I don't know about you but I like it when I know you are perfectly healthy and able to be the spunky little butt kicker I fell in love with. So you are staying right there in that bed till Dr. Hubbard says you can get out of it. Agreed?"

"But!"

"No buts." He leaned closer to her, smiling and then kissed her. "No buts, wife. Agreed?"

"Agreed."

"I love it when you give in."

"Don't get used to it, buddy."

He kissed her again. "Oh, I'm getting used to it. Don't try to steal my pants."

She burst out laughing. "What? Why would I want your pants? You shouldn't even be wearing those pants. You looked better in your tux."

"You know what I mean, that expression. That American expression about pants and wives, you know."

Greenlee looked at him blankly. "I have no clue what you are talking about."

"Bout wearing the pants in a couple. I'm the pants wearer between us."

"OH! You want to wear the pants in this family? I get it." She thought about it for a second. "No, sorry. I'm gonna do that. But you're cute for thinking you might be able to." In a deep voice she faked a British accent "I'm man, hear me roar, I wear pants!"

He chuckled. "Okay, make fun. You think you are adorable, don't you? And that I can't resist you?"

"I know I am adorable and that you can't resist me."

"You know what," he leaned over and whispered in her ear "you are right. I'm glad I'm your husband, Greens."

He kissed her again, slowly and tenderly. She asked "You don't think we rushed into everything?"

"Why wait? I'm sure." His eyes searched here. " Are _you_ sure?"

"Crazy sure."

"Crazy sure, I like that. So we are both crazy sure about this...and we're gonna stay that way," Aiden promised Greenlee "for the rest of our lives."

Looking at his beautiful bride, Aiden thanked God that the chick he used to think of as "an of those hyper Fusion babes" had turned into the very light of his world, the future mother of his children, the friend and lover he had been looking for all his life.

_(I don't agree with her half the time,  
but, damn I'm glad she's mine._

Her eyes, that's where hope lies.  
That's where blue skies meet the sunrise.  
Her eyes- that's where I go  
when I go home.

She got the kinda strength that every man wishes he had.  
She loved Michael Jackson up until he made Bad.

Tells me that she lived about a hundred lives,  
scares me to death when she thinks and drives,  
says cowboy hats make her look fat,  
and I'm so glad she's mine!!!!

Her eyes, that's where hope lies.   
That's where blue skies meet the sunrise.  
Her eyes, that's where I go  
when I go home.

She doesn't know the word 'impossible'Don't care where I've been and doesn't care where we're goin' to.  
She takes me as I am, and that ain't easy.  
She's beautiful. So beautiful.

And sometimes I think she's truly crazy.  
And I love it.) ( Pat Monahan)

XXXXXXXXX

DAYS LATER

He carried her into their apartment. "Home sweet home!" she cried "I never thought I would miss this place so much." He set her down. "I missed this couch. I missed this fireplace. I missed this floor...I love this floor. Don't you?"

She gave him a sexy little wink then wrapped her arms around his neck.

Aiden said, in a low, throaty whisper, "Its my favorite floor in all of North America."

He kissed her neck.

She said "Lets try and make it your favorite floor in all of the world." Greenlee kissed him and started to unbutton his shirt.

Aiden stalled.

She asked "What? What? Not into me now that I am just your boring old wife," she smiled "and not some hot biker babe?"

"I'm into you. Very into you and that is the..."

"Don't say problem."

Aiden took a step back.

Real concern flooded her voice "What is it?"

"I just want this...our marriage...our life together...I want it to all work out. But nothing has ever worked out for either of us before."

"We were with the wrong people before. This is us! Greenlee and Aiden- the unbeatable duo! So off the wall opposites that they just about make sense together." Softly she said "This is us. I thought you were crazy sure?"

The last thing he wanted to do was kick off her first moments at home with telling her the truth about him and Kendall sleeping together. He felt it was kindest to never bring it up. Safest. That it protected them. And that lie he told himself worked before they got married. But as her husband it didn't anymore.

He took her hand and led her to the couch to sit down. "I have to tell you something and I pray...Greenlee, I pray that once I do...I pray you don't walk out that door and never look back. Because, whether you can trust it or not, my love for you is...its bigger than any words I can think to say."

"You're scaring me. Please tell me you're joking...there's no secrets between us."

He just stared at her until it sunk it that he was serious.

Greenlee jumped off the couch. "I don't want to hear it! I don't care. I don't want to know."

"Baby, please," he stood up and tried to touch her arm.

"NO! If you love me do not do this. Whatever you think can break us...don't put that out there. If you really do love me then that is all I care about. Lets have our honeymoon, please. I..." she squeezed back tears "don't want us broken before we even begin this marriage."

Aiden let out a long breath.

Was it selfish to tell her the truth or selfish to tell her more lies? Which choice would keep her by his side in the end? Could the ever curious Greenlee Devane really forget that he had been about to spill a secret? Could he forget what he had done?

These questions richoted around his mind, making his head and heart pound, as he tried to figure out if he should kiss her and push down the words in his throat forever, or if he should speak and let there be no bombs left to explode between them later?

Greenlee said "I just want a happy life with you. I need that! I need you more than I ever thought I would. You make me wanna be better than I ever was before, and I hope I make you better...I hope you are the man I can trust to fight for us as hard as I plan to. I don't know what you were thinking of saying...maybe something about Di Henry...you saw her when I was in that God awful hole with Zach? I'll hate it but I get it! You needed a friend...comfort. I don't want details. Don't say if I am right or wrong. I don't want images floating in my mind. Just say "I love you, Greens." and mean it and ...stay. Be my husband. Be here now. Can you do that?"

Aiden covered his face with his hands. Oh my God, why did I say anything at all? What have I done?

And what could he do now? Let the confusion stay between them, just never mentioned it again and pray the past would remain buried like it should be, or tell his wife the mistake he made? The mistake he made with her sister.

"Greenlee..."


	19. ailee, part eight

**Chapter Seven**

**May 2008**

Greenlee stepped off the elevator to find Aiden asleep on her doorstep. She sighed, then a small smile curved her lips.

Damn, he looked adorable.

Of course that was the last thing she should be thinking. She told him to stay away but he just wouldn't listen. There were nights he banged on her door till the super of the apartment threw him out, and days he showed up at Fusion and had security escort him back to his car. He tried calling her, texting, emailing, stalking...anything.

She refused to speak to him. Because if she did, she would want to forgive him. That was all she really longed to do, deep down in her soul, but she didn't think she had the courage to give him her heart another time...what if he broke it just as cruelly?

Greenlee still couldn't understand how Aiden ended up in Kendall's bed. She knew his heart ached for her just as strongly as hers ached for him, and yet he made love to someone else. Even if she thought Aiden was dead, Greenlee couldn't imagine falling into another man's arms. There had been no other man since she met Aiden. Right now, she highly doubted their would ever be. But still she couldn't be his wife.

It hurt too much. Every single cell in her body hurt.

She stuck her key in the door and opened it, causing Aiden to fall backwards. He woke up. His eyes looked up at hers and held. Greenlee felt her whole world shift off balance.

To hide the neediness she felt inside, she snarked at him "You're trespassing, buddy. Move along."

He got to his feet and gave her a sad little grin. "Actually, I'm not. We're hitched, although I know you would like to forget that fact. So what's yours is mine and vica versa. You get half my baseball card collection. I get half your girly things."

She rolled her eyes. "Girly things?"

"Yeah, your hair bows and lip gloss."

Greenlee poured a glass of wine for herself, to calm her nerves. They had some awful blowout fights in the first few weeks after Aiden confessed to having slept with Kendall but since then they hadn't spoken. Greenlee refused to. A huge part of her wanted him back, but the other part was scared to trust him again...scared to hope they could have the family they wanted...scared to believe in dreams anymore.

She told him "Well, after tomorrow, what's mine is mine and what's yours is yours again."

He gave her a long look. She remembered waking up in the hospital with him by her bedside.

"_Hey, its you."_

"_Its me, your husband."_

"_I'm alive. I came back to you."_

"_That you did. I have to tell you that you scared the life out of me, Greens. I couldn't make it without you, just so you know. I'm pretty much...whipped..."_

_She chuckled, really softly._

_He went on "Don't you dare tell a soul I said that. But I am. I'm yours. I would do anything for you...anything to keep you in love with me. I want to make you happy for every second of the rest of your life."_

"_Your love does make me happy. Don't take it away, ever, okay?"_

_He bent down to kiss her hand, with tears in his eyes, and then spoke through the lump in his throat. "I never would. You have my love for life...we're gonna last for life."_

Aiden pulled a piece of crumpled up paper out of his pocket. "That's what we got to talk about."

"No, we don't have to talk about anything, Aiden. You aren't even supposed to be here. I think I'm made it plenty clear that I don't want to see you...not ever again. If I could leave town, I would. But I won't run again. I came back to get my life back...to have the future I deserve...and I won't be chased from Pine Valley another time. So do us both a favor and just sign the papers tomorrow, then ignore me." She choked out, hating herself for letting her emotions show. "It will be like we never fell in love at all."

Greenlee gulped down her wine.

"I don't want that! That is the last damn thing I would ever want. I love you, Greenlee Smythe Devane. You are the woman I waited my whole life to find and you are the wife I want to spend the rest of my life with."

"STOP!"

He walked closer to her and placed his hands on both her arms. "I won't stop. I'll be damned if I sign any annulment papers tomorrow or any other day. Let you go? Like hell. Not when all I want to do is hold on. I have begged. I have pleaded. I have done all I can to make you understand. And I get why you can't. But..." his voice grew soft "I won't give up on us. Because you love me. I see it in your eyes. You still love me. Please tell me you love me, Greenlee."

Tears streamed down her face. In twelve hours she was supposed to be in court, having the judge grant her an annulment, and then this would be done. She wouldn't be his wife. Her dreams would be dead.

Aiden leaned close to her, bringing his hands up to cup her face. He gently kissed her. She pulled back.

He said "I need a second chance. We need this second chance. I still want to be the man you are proud to call your husband, the man who is the father of your children. I want us back. If you can forgive me, trust me one more time...if you can try...I know we'll make it. Because you're the one, Greenlee. You're the one for me. What do you say?"

Her eyes locked in on his. Her husband. The man she never thought she would fall in love with but she had...and for her that love would never end. But could they get the trust back? Could she believe again?

She whispered "I'm too scared. I can't...I can't lose it all another time. I can't fall in another hole... I just don't think I'd have the strength to pull myself out."

He leaned his forehead against hers. "I'd pull you out...that's what I'm here for. And I'm never leaving...just as long as you let me stay. Let me stay, Greens. Let me be your husband."

Her eyes closed and she imagined the future. She could end up alone and broken, he could break her into a million pieces.

But before the moment he said he slept with her sister, Greenlee never thought that Aiden was the kind of man who would break her, and right now she didn't think he would ever do that to her again. Was there just enough faith let in her shattered heart to pull him close instead of push him away for her own protection.

She whispered his name. Her wrapped his arms around her, bringing her body close to his in a hug. And then she knew what she would do.

Greenlee Smythe Devane stopped feeling terrified of how she could be hurt and remembered there was no other place on earth she felt safer than here, in his arms, and here is where she needed to be.

There might be crazy times ahead but she wanted to share it all with only one man. To trust him again was a matter of believing in them and allowing her heart to open to him once more...it would be hard...but living without Aiden would be impossible.

She looked up, into his eyes, and said "Stay."

A tear fell from his eye. He nodded, too choked up to say a word. Instead he lifted her off her feet and carried her to the bed. He lay her down and then brought her into his arms, and they stayed that way for hours, both content to just hold on and know they would never leave go of their love again.

(_Hold me like there's no tomorrow.  
There can be no sorrow  
right here where we stand._

__

Living only for a moment.  
All I ever wanted  
is right here in my hands.

Some will say  
that we're sure to fall.  
Try to build their walls  
between us, yeah.

No way over it  
No way around it, boy.  
If we want it  
we have to go through it.  
Fight for love.

_  
And the world tries to break us down  
but the world will bend  
and the fight will end._

_  
Love will always win..._

_And the world  
Tries to break us down  
But the world will bend  
Ooh   
And the fight will end  
The world will bend  
And the fight will end  
Love will always win _) ( Faith Hill)

THE END


	20. You Make it Easy, Rendall one shot

This song is not very well known, I don't think. But I recommend you check it out.

Easy by Barenaked Ladies.

**You Make it Easy ( a Rendall one shot).**

She knows her husband will freak when he find s out where she was tonight but that doesn't stop Kendall Hart Slater from slipping out of work early and heading to the boathouse. Its late spring and the sun has already set. She pulls her coat tight around her when she steps out of her car.

He hears her coming but doesn't turn his head. Ryan is lost in memories of the past, and that is where he wants to stay for as long as he can.

Once she is next to him, he finally glances at her. That only makes the pain that fills his chest double in intensity. She sees the look in his eyes- she sees it all, he is pretty sure, all he is and all he will never be- and her breath catches. "What? What happened? Why did you ask me here?"

He looks down, breaking eye contact with her. He wanted her here but now he wonders if it was the exact wrong thing to do. How can he let go with her standing right in front of him? How can he hold on when it will hurt everyone they love?

Kendall touches his arm and breathes out his name. God, he loves the way it sounds on her lips. It was so easy for her to captivate him.

_What's a boy to do_

_when you tell your tale and,_

_it never fails,  
I just end up feeling bad for you._

With your hang-dog eyes, you can bring me down.  
Now I'm wrapped around your whole hand  
Stop looking so surprised

You make it easy (easy)  
You make it easy (easy) - Barenaked Ladies  


Every time she says his name he's right back at The Pine Cone Motel, willing to do anything for her, a slave to her demands, trying not to let this crazy broken hearted chick with big brown needy eyes drag him under but failing. Every time he failed. Then and now.

That's the secret everyone knew but didn't tell him when he lost his memory. He wasn't with Kendall because he failed her. He gave up on them because it was easier than hanging on. He remembered that now, and so much more: pieces of his life with Annie, times with Greenlee, and the day he decided he could never be Kendall's husband. The day he decided it hurt too much to love her. It was easier to walk away.

Nothing felt easy now though. Every moment that passed Ryan wondered how he could survive losing her this time...another time...how could they slip away again?

"I'm getting my memory back."

"Oh...oh...good."

When Ryan looks into her eyes there are tears there. She smiles through them. "It's for the best," Kendall tells him.

"The best for who? Your husband? Because its not the best for me! Or for you! I will never believe that."

Her lip quivers as she asks "Then what do you believe?"

"It's not what I believe," he says in a low throaty whisper, as his hands grasp her arms. "Its what I know."

Then his lips meets hers, for the first time in years, and finally Ryan can think straight for one moment. Kendall used to make him feel insane. Now she is his sanity. When her arms go around him, pulling him closer, he feels a sweet rush of relief unlike anything he has ever known before.

They are right together. No one could convince him different.

Kendall eases away from Ryan first. Her eyes connected with his and she burst into tears. Her arms moved around his waist, as she rested her head against his chest. Ryan smoothed down her hair and whispered "I'd rather stay here with you then be anywhere else."

"You know we can't do that."

"Yeah...yeah, I know." His words are so soft they are barely audible.

For all the times he told her they could never be, he just wishes now he hadn't been so damn right. It was hard as hell to be with Kendall, to be her man, and it always had been. But it was also the easiest thing on earth for Ryan. Because, only when they were right, was he really a man he could be proud of. The rest of the time he would work overtime to be seen as a hero by the rest of the world. But what good was that if he let Kendall down? So he worked harder...be the perfect dad, the ideal husband...buy Annie roses, take Emma to the park...love them harder, more, try, try, try...make up for what you let go wrong with Kendall.

He was happy to be that man, before, to push Kendall back into the darkest part of his mind. Until his amnesia thrust her right into the front again. And then there was no denying, even as he started to remember those lost years, that who he really wanted to be was the guy she fell in love with at The Pine Cone.

Ryan would do anything for that chance. But nothing he does can erase all the years gone by, when he pushed her away and now she was truly someone else's everything.

But she shouldn't be. He knew that and nothing anyone said about doing the honorable thing could change his mind.

Ryan cups Kendall's cheeks with his hands. "I am sorry."

She squeezes her eyes closed but the tears still rollover her face. "You don't have to say-"

"Yeah, I do. I'm sorry. I know I wanted this...but I don't want it now. I should have married you...a thousand times over...I had every chance in the world. And now I don't have any chance."

"You said you're remembering. Don't you remember that, in the end, I'm not who you wanted?"

"No...you're not who I chose. You're who I wanted. You're who I want."

"Ryan..."

"I love you, Kendall. And that's not something I can lie about anymore."

_You make it easy (easy)  
You make it easy (easy)  
You make it easy (easy)  
You make it easy (easy)_

Easy to be with you  
Easy to obey  
Easy to forgive you at the end of the day

_  
Easy now to judge you  
Easy to betray  
Easy to adore you, though you want to run away_

It's easy

Kendall takes a step back. She wipes her tears away. "But you're going back to Annie anyway. I can see it in your eyes. Don't try lying to me. I have seen every lie you ever told me before the words even came out of your mouth. So I'll know..."

He went on "I'm going back to Annie. Yeah. Because you're staying with Zach, not because I want a life with her more than one with you. Unless...you could leave Zach?"

Kendall looked down.

_Look what you have done  
I can do the same  
Two can play this game  
You'll no longer be the only one_

You make it easy (easy)  
You make it easy (easy)  
You make it easy (easy)  
Easy (easy)

Ryan looks out towards the water. "I know I_ should _want my old life back. Maybe it makes me a bastard that I don't. But all I want is this...all I want is you...us, Kendall. And its slipping through my hands, I feel it. Every memory that comes back is one more brick in the wall...and soon you'll just be the woman in the back of my mind again...at least you should be. So it can be easy to go back to our marriages...our happy lives...apart."

"We're close! We're in each other's lives!" she cries desperately.

He looks at her then. "Sure we are. I don't want to ever lose that but...I was gonna go to the Penthouse tonight, tell Annie I remember more about me and her, our wedding, how Greenlee interrupted, our honeymoon...once I do though...I won't break her heart over and over. I've done enough of that. So I need to ask you..."

Kendall tilts her head, her eyes flashing with a warning but he doesn't heed it because Ryan has to ask and he has to hear her answer. It is the only way he can go on with his life.

He takes her hand. Its shaking. "Kendall," Ryan smiles through his own pain and tries to make his voice light, so later they can pretend this was just a joke. "do you want to run away with me?"

Without even waiting a second, she answers "Yes." And she does. She wants to grab their kids and run as far as they can.

He sucks in a breath. "What? Really?"

"But you know we can't."

Ryan leaves go of her and runs his hands through his hair. "Oh."

For a long moment, all is silent there at the boathouse and then Kendall says "If we're gonna do this, we have to do it here- in Pine Valley- right in the middle of all of them...or else we'll never be sure that we can last even with Zach and Greenlee and Annie around."

She knows it is the reckless thing to do. Even cruel, one might say. But she has been reckless and cruel and a million other things all in the name of Ryan Lavery before...of her love for this man she could never truly get out of her heart.

As her words sink in, a slow grin spreads across his face. Ryan sweeps Kendall off her feet. "Are...are you serious? Really? Are you sure you can do this for us...for me?"

"What couldn't I do for you?"

Then she is the one kissing him.

It will cause chaos when they tell everyone the truth about them but then again...everyone already knows. One like at Ryan, when he is looking at Kendall, and there is no way to lie about what everyone sees. It is wild, and crazy, and wrong. This love they share.

Its nearly has killed them before and could do it again.

And yet, its undeniable. Now that Ryan's ready to hold on, Kendall is ready to fight. Fighting for them is something she knows how to do well. And this time, it feels like she might actually be able to keep him forever...and even if she can't, it was all worth it, for this moment, this feeling that they could make it.

Its what she's been missing in her life for the last four years. And they she should walk away, she just can't. It feels too good, too right. Though it will be hard to weather the storm, it will be easy to be back in Ryan's arms. Back where this woman belongs.

_You make it easy (easy)  
You make it easy (easy)  
You make it easy (easy)  
Easy (easy)_

He asks "When did you decide?"

"The day I fell in love with you."

"No, I mean, when did you decide to leave Zach?"

"I know what you meant. I decided the day I fell in love with you...which wasn't that long after we met...that if I could keep you in my world I would do anything, give up anything, destroy anyone...anything...everything...for you. And even when you changed your mind about me, well I never changed my mind about you...so what else I can I do? I love Zach...but...nothing feels like this. Nothing feels like loving you."

He smiles then and suddenly she is sure. She can do this. She can do anything, because he's worth it.

_You make it easy (easy)  
You make it easy (easy)  
You make it easy (easy)  
You make it easy (easy)_

Easy to be with youEasy to obey  
Easy to forgive you at the end of the day

_  
Easy now to judge you  
Easy to betray  
Easy to adore you, though you want to run away_

It's easy


	21. Forgive Me All This, Ailee

**Forgive Me All This**

**Chapter One**

**July 30****th**** 2008**

Greenlee sat at her desk at Fusion, pretending to work. All around her were her co-workers, talking about perfume and lipstick and product inventory. She was pretty sure she was making the right noises at the right time, and hadn't just agreed to Ava's lamebrain idea of naming their next perfume Garbage, but she couldn't be sure.

Her eyes kept moving to the clock on the wall. Aidan was probably at the airport already. His flight left in less than an hour. He'd get on board, fly to England, and then she'd probably never lay eyes on him again. 

Which was fine with her. Fine. Fine. Fine.

Fine!

Greenlee bolted from her seat, grabbed her purse and ran to the elevator. 

"Where's the fire?" asked Babe

"Yeah, seriously, slow down," said Amanda. "You almost knocked me over."

"I'll put hazard pay on your next check," snapped Greenlee, as she beat the elevator button. Never in her life had she longed to get in an elevator so bad. Usually she hated them with a ferocity that was only matched by how much she hated snakes, ugly shoes and being stuck in the dark.

"Can I get in on that?" asked Ava. "I got bumped."

"You already fleeced us out of a big enough contract, Cover girl. Forget about it," Kendall told her. 

The elevator doors opened. Greenlee hurried inside. She turned around, stabbed at the button for the first floor and then her eyes connected with Kendall's.

Kendall said, softly, "Hope you catch him."

Greenlee eyes narrowed. "Do you? Really?"

The doors slid close.

XXXXXXXXX

Aidan sat in a seat in the airport, his bags at his feet. He let out a long sigh. His eyes were red rimmed with exhaustion and grief. Last night had been a bad one.

He thought that once he made up his mind to do this, and once he told Greenlee about it, that it would start to get easier. That'd he would finally feel a measure of relief. 

At least he would know for sure it was over.

But the opposite happened. The full weight of the fact that he would never be able to hold her, kiss her, call her his again had crashed down on him as he tried to sleep last night. The memories bombarded him and he couldn't escape the sound of her laughter in his mind, the images of her smiling from invading his brain.

_Damn it_, he thought now._ I love her..I will love her as long as I'm breathing and it doesn't change a thing. We're over_.

"Flight 2098 to Italy boarding at Gate 10."

Aidan stood up and headed for the ticket counter. He had told everyone he was going home to England but that was a lie. All his thoughts about London now were filled with what he wanted to do with Greenlee, he couldn't face that city without her.

He'd catch up with an old military buddy and crash on his couch till he could pull his head together again. If that ever happened.

Aidan looked over his shoulder, hoping to see Greenlee running towards him, but their was nothing but the faces of strangers staring back at him.

"Bye, Greens," he said to the woman he wished was there.

XXXXXXXXX

She ran into the airport and found the list of Arrivals and Departures. There was a flight to London leaving in ten minutes. She ran to the counter and asked to buy a ticket.

"Its too late. That flight already boarded."

"I have to get on there. You don't understand. The man I ..I have to get on that flight! I'll pay anything. You have kids? I bet they could use a college fund, right? How about 100,000? Oh, fine. 200,000. Just get me on that plane. It's a matter of..well I don't know. Cause I'm not sure he loves me or I can forgive him but..I have to see him and ask him to stay. To try. To tell him I'm sorry. That I changed my mind. I changed my mind! Don't you get how big that is?"

The agent's face softened. He booked her on the flight and then made a call to hold the plane. "You better run."

Greenlee pulled off her heels, grabbed the ticket, and took off.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Aidan took a seat on the plane. His eyes wandered to look out the window. It was a clear day. The sky a bright healthy blue. Not like seven days before when he was on the beach with Greenlee.

That day it was raining. And she was pissed.

"_I'm here. This better be good." She stomped toward him. "My hair is ruined! I look like a drowned rat."_

"_A cute drowned rat," he said with a shaky smile._

_She glared at him, crossing her arms over her chest. "Say whatever you called me out here to say before it starts lightening and you get us both killed."_

_Aidan peeled off his shirt. Her eyes widened. He held it over her head to keep the rain from hitting her. "Better?"_

"_It would be better to not be out in this storm."_

"_Yeah, but this is our place."_

"_How do you figure?"_

"_You fell for me here. When you found me after I was knocked out."_

"_I did not. I fell for you, stupidly I might add, at ConFusion when you were sitting there all pathetic and missing Di. Rebound fling. Destined to fail."_

_His eyes sunk into hers. He couldn't help but lose his breath at the sight of her staring up at him, with love and hurt and sadness looming in her gaze. They had fought nearly every time they spoke for the last few months but he wasn't about to give up on them. Not ever. He would keep begging and fighting and trying to show his love for her. Just the day before they were stuck in an elevator together at the hospital. To stop a panic attack, he pulled her into a kiss. Greenlee had moaned, wrapping her arms around him and pressing her body close as if her hunger for him would never be quenched._

_It gave him hope._

_And brought him out into the rain to ask her, one more time, to take a chance on him. "You weren't my rebound anything, Greens," he whispered._

"_You were mine. I used you to get over Ryan. It worked. So thanks! See you around." Her words were cold, but her eyes filled with tears._

_Aidan grabbed her wrist when she tried to walk away, gently pulling her back to him. "Not so fast. You didn't get your gift yet."_

_Her eyes lightened for a second. She was a sucker for presents. But then she spit out "Keep it. Give it to Kendall."_

_Aidan handed Greenlee his shirt, then got on one knee. "Nah, this is something I can only give you." He pulled a ring out of his pocket. "I know you hate me right now, but you also love me. And I have never loved anyone like I love you. I've never loved anyone..but you. I messed us up. I..broke your heart and my own. And it would serve me right if you hate me for life but see..even if you do..I'll love you for life. So I thought I should make it all legit and official, make sure you know where I stand, I want you to become my wife..one day..when you don't hate me quite so much. So, what do you say, honey.. what do you say.. he pushed out the words through a tear choked throat. "You wanna get hitched? One day.._

_She dropped to her knees, not saying a word. His hands rose, as the rain soaked them, and he caressed her face. Aidan leaned forward, his lips nearly brushing hers, until Greenlee whispered "Stop."_

_He froze. "Don't push me away again. I want us. I don't want Kendall."_

"_You sure as hell did want her when you thought I was dead, though, didn't you? You replaced me in a blink. And I..I've done the same to you."_

_His mind became fuzzy. He prayed he wasn't understanding her right._

_Greenlee lied, "I slept with Zach..and I fell in love with him. See? You're replaceable too." She climbed back on her feet and started to walk off._

"_So," Aidan asked, with tears streaming down his face. "Is that a no?"_

_She spun around. "What?"_

"_I asked you to marry me. Is that a no?"_

"_Yeah," she said tearfully "yeah, that's a no."_

Sitting on the plane, Aidan covered his face with his hands. _God, I have to get out of this town. If I can't have her, I can't stay here. I can't see her move on to someone else..I can't watch her love anyone but me._

He was sure, like he had been since the year before, that he was never gonna love anyone but Greenlee. She was his first, his first real love, and she would be his last.

XXXXXXXXXXX

"Excuse me," Greenlee breathlessly asked a flight attendant as soon as she boarded the plane. "Wow. Okay. Give me a sec to catch my breath. Whoa. Have to work out more. Seriously."

The older woman stiffly told her, "You need to take a seat. This flight is already running late due to your late arrival."

"Sorry. I'll buy everyone a drink on me. But first you got to help me. I'm looking for a man."

"Aren't we all?" 

"Most of the time, yeah. A good one, at least. I found one though and he's on this plane. Aidan Devane. Can you tell me what seat he's in?"

"No. That information is confidential and if you don't take a seat I'll have you removed from this flight. You can look for your friend once we are in the air and the seat belt sign goes off."

"I can't wait! This is my whole life on the line, lady. My whole life! You see he wants to marry me. And even though I sort of hate him and I sort of hate my best friend, who he slept with, and I sort of want to make them both suffer for years and years..I also love him. I really do. I love this man and he's about to move to London without me. We're supposed to see Big Ben together. I can't let him see it again without me standing by his side. So sorry, lady, but I got to do this." Greenlee hurried down the aisle yelling his name out. "Aidan! Aidan! Aidan Devane!"

She looked all around but couldn't find him.

It wasn't until later she learned he had never been on that flight. He went to Italy instead but she had no idea where he might be staying. His cell was disconnected. She thought of sending Tad to hunt him down but stopped herself.

If he really missed her, he would come back. If not..she didn't know what she'd do. Because life wasn't as sweet, as good, as right without him.

He wasn't replaceable. Not at all.


	22. Forgive, part two

**Forgive Me All This**

**Chapter Two**

**July 30, 2008**

Greenlee rolled her eyes when she saw Kendall and Zach walk up to her jail cell. Derek was with them.

She cried "You had to bring _her_," to Zach and then asked Kendall "I bet you are just loving this, huh? I'm finally getting just what I deserve, right?"

"Oh, come on," Zach said softly "Don't."

"You know that's not how I feel," said Kendall.

Greenlee just barreled on, ignoring their words as if they hadn't spoken at all. "Locked up for a crime I didn't commit for the second time in a year and both times all I was doing was acting out of LOVE. So freaking ironic that it sickens me. Was I on the news? Did it say suspected terrorist underneath my name?"

"No one thinks you're a terrorist," Zach said

"I was arrested for interfering with air travel. How is that even a crime? Really? _Seriously_? I'm the one who had the crime committed against me. I lost the man I love. My last chance at..." in an instant her screeching turned teary and her voice cracked. "_everything_...I lost the...the..." tears streamed down her face " future father of my children."

The sense of loss, of all she wanted that would never come true now, threatened to make her knees buckle. She barely managed to stay on her feet.

Zach said "Please, Derek."

The police chief opened the cell.

Kendall and Zach walked in. Kendall tried to hug Greenlee but instead Greenlee went into Zach's arms, leaving Kendall with her lips quivering over the loss she felt. She planned to do whatever it took to get Greenlee back as her best friend and sister, not just her business partner.

Derek told Greenlee "All charges were dropped but I wouldn't suggested trying to book a ticket on that airline again. The flight attendant that you kicked is thinking of pressing a civil suit."

Greenlee stepped back from Zach and wiped away her tears. Softly she whispered "He lied to me. Aidan...he didn't go to England at all. He doesn't want me to follow him. He doesn't...he doesn't want me anymore." Once again she was sobbing but when Zach tried to comfort her she pushed him away. "You don't get it! Nothing can make this better. I don't want to feel better. Aidan asked me to marry him and I said no. I told him _no_! What in the hell is wrong with me? I said _no_! And its all..." She spun around and pointed at Kendall "your fault!"

Kendall choked out "I'm sorry."

"My soulmate left me," Greenlee hissed through clenched teeth "for good. And you're sorry?" She shook her head over and over. "I crashed my car with Spike in it and I was sorry. Ryan broke your heart, then mine, then Annie's...and he was sorry. Richie trapped me and Zach in a hole where we nearly DIED and he was...SORRY. You thought I was dead. You thought Zach was dead. So you screwed the man you damn well knew I was in love with...and you're sorry. We're all so sorry. But I'm the only one who's left alone."

She hurried out of the cell. Kendall tried to follow her. Zach grabbed her arm and said "Let her go. Just let her go."

"Never," Kendall told him, jerking her arm back. She ran after Greenlee.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Aidan walks along the beach in Italy. His army buddy lives in a little village, far from the tourists and noise of Venice and Rome.

Its dusk and he's alone. Lonely for her. He pulls out the ring he planned to give her. Its his great grandmother's. Not really fancy...and he knows Greenlee does love fancy...but he thinks she would have liked it anyway. He's never offered it to any other woman before her. He'll never offer it to any other woman after her either.

_This ring is Greenlee's_, he thinks to himself, _whether she ever wears it or not. _

He's walked this beach before. Right after he ended his time with the military he visited John Paul, who he's always called J.P., but that seems like hundreds of years ago now. He was young, brash, eager to take on the world, chase women, chase his dreams.

Now he felt old. Tired. Distraught. He didn't realize it would hurt this much to be this far away from her. It's like he can feel every mile in his bones. There's too much space between them and it throws his equilibrium off.

Being in Pine Valley had hurt too much to stay. Being away was infinitely worse. There was no where on the planet now where he could go and not be wrecked.

She had wrecked him.

Aidan smiled then. The first one in what felt like months. She was worth being wrecked over.

He whispers into the wind "Be happy, baby."

Maybe she will be...now that he is gone...now that she is free of the man who betrayed her. He never wanted to be that to her. He only wanted to save her, be her love, her hero.

But weakness, one awful moment of weakness, erased all they could have grown to be, erased her dreams, his hopes, and replaced them with secrets that led to bitterness and grief.

If he could do anything over, he wouldn't go back to the day he slept with Kendall. He'd go back to the day that he sat next to Greenlee at ConFusion, when they threw back drink and threw caution to the wind by letting down their walls an inch. Just enough to see something different in each other. He'd go really insane that night, risk it all, and ask her to elope with him.

They'd wake up the next day near strangers but married. The love would come later, the love he'd been waiting forever to feel. It changed him more than anything else ever had.

He didn't know how long he could stay away from her. If he tried to do it forever he'd lose his mind.

Squeezing the ring tight, he silently spoke to her _I'm saving this for you. So if you ever take pity on me and take this old fool back you can slip it on and be who you should be by now...be my wife, my love, my life. Cause in my heart you are that, Greens, you're that and more. I know you don't love me right now but I pray to God you can love me again...one day I need you to love me again_.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Hours after chasing Greenlee from the police station, Kendall stood in her kitchen making tea. She had followed Greenlee home and right into her apartment, dodging the flying shoes and vase that Greenlee flung at her head.

Greenlee had then locked herself in the bathroom for an hour and after that threw herself on her bed.

Kendall walks in and sits the tea on the bedside table. She sits down on the bed. One hand covered Greenlee's. Their eyes met.

Kendall whispers "I have to have you in my life. So if you want to hate me right now, go ahead. I can take it."

"And what if I it never ends? What if the hate I have for you only grows?"

"I'll chance it. Because just maybe that won't happen. Maybe we'll make it. I can't walk away because then I'll never find out."

With anguish in her tone, Greenlee asks "Why did I push Aidan away? He wanted to get past everything and I wanted that too but I couldn't get the words out. All I could do was push him harder and harder, test him more and more, tell him no over and over. And now he's gone!"

She starts to cry. Greenlee adds, choking these words out between her tears, "And I'm all alone."

Kendall hugs Greenlee before saying "You're not alone."

But the way Greenlee feels in that moment Kendall can not fix, no matter how hard she ever tries. Only Aidan can heal Greenlee now and only Greenlee can heal Aidan.

It wasn't until the moment when she stood on that plane and realized he might be lost to her forever that she realized she could forgive him, could trust in them again, could spend her life as his wife. Because to do anything else will be a life hardly worth living at all.


	23. Forgive, part three

**Forgive Me All This  
Chapter Three**

**December 23, 2008**

She couldn't stand missing him like this. It was killing her. She had to do something to stop it. Day after day, Greenlee put on her happy face and acted like a grown up when all she wanted to do was cry like a little girl. Stomp her feet and yell "Its not fair!"

But instead she did her job as a business executive, and played dutiful daughter and sister and friend. She babysat and smiled, through her tears, when Emma or Spike called her Aunt Greenlee. Never saying aloud that she still longed for her own baby to hold in her arms. There was no point in saying that. She would never go to a sperm bank again. There was only one man she wanted to have a baby with...and he was God knows where in Italy.

Greenlee curled up with her stuffed animal Alfonso. She would have cried herself to sleep but she ran out of tears months before. Now she just felt hollow and plastic. Plastic smile and glazed eyes. Looking perfect in her designer clothes while she drove around in her BMW. Looking as perfect as her mother Mary always did. And feeling as dead inside.

She looked at the ring she kept on a chain around her neck. It came from her Grandfather. He died in April and he had left her his wedding band. She had wanted to ask Aidan to where it once they were married but then came May when the truth about him being with Kendall came out. It turned out crazy ass Richie Novak had overheard Kendall and Aidan talking about sleeping together and decided to blow their worlds apart after he was caught for trapping Zach and Greenlee in that bomb shelter.

He had said he was not going down alone. Well, he had been right. Richie had sucked Greenlee right down into the black hole of hell with him.

_Something has to change_, she thought. _I can't go on like this anymore_.

(_Take all of your wasted honor,  
every little past frustration,  
take all of your so-called problems  
better put them in quotations_

_Say what you need to say!  
Say what you need to say!_ ) 

Everyone thought she was over Aidan Devane, because she refused to talk about him. But Greenlee was far from over him. Each day she only grew to love him more, and each night she wondered if he would ever get on a plane and come back to her.

Wasn't she worth rushing around the world to find?

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

**Hours Later**

**December 23, 2008**

_It had to be raining. That was typical for her luck. Greenlee opened the door of the cab, threw some cash at the driver, and jumped out. Her high heels sunk into a puddle._

_Shaking her head, she reached back inside the cab and jerked out her back then took off running for the door or the cottage where she had learned Aidan was staying._

_Greenlee banged on the door like a wild woman. Adrenaline raced through her veins. Her heart beat out of control._

"_What in the world!" she heard Aidan call out from inside. As he pulled open the door, he mumbled "You got any concept of what time it..." His words halted as his heart flipped over. In a tender, awed voice he said "Hey."_

"_Hey," she whispered. Greenlee bit her lip. Just seeing him made all the cracks in her broken heart start to instantly repair themselves. God, she had missed him with an ache that was ferocious. It had threatened to eat her alive. She couldn't believe she had waited so long to hunt him down._

_With a shocked look on his face, Aidan asked "What are you doing here?"_

_Greenlee slapped him across the face. "That."_

_Rubbing his cheek, he asked "Feel better, do you?"_

_She stepped closer to him, pushing him inside and grabbed both his cheeks, yanking him down into a kiss. The pent up frustrations in both of them exploded. The kiss was filled with hunger, loss, need and anger. But beyond all that was simple and undamaged love. The remains of what started in a bar, of what no one could destroy._

_Greenlee pulled away and smiled. "Miss me?"_

"_Every second, Greens."_

"_Then why didn't you come home?"_

Aidan bounded up in bed. _Why didn't you come home? _echoed in his head. _Why didn't you come home? _

He dreamt about Greenlee often but never had it been as real as this. He had felt her in his arms. He had tasted her on his lips. He had seen love reflected in her eyes.

His hands covered his face and then ran through his hair. "Damn it!" he cursed.

It had been just a dream. One hell of a dream but no replacement for reality. Aidan reached for the telephone.

(_Walking like a one man army.  
Fighting with the shadows in your head._

_Living out the same old moment._

_  
Knowing you'd be better off instead  
if you could only_

say what you need to say!  
Say what you need to say!) 

XXXXXXXXXX

**December 24****th**** , 2008**

Greenlee sat at Fusion with a table full of her friend on Christmas Eve. Everyone was nearly giddy with holiday cheer and she could barely crack a smile. She'd had decent days in the last five months, but not good days, not days as fantastic as when Aidan was here and loved her.

But Aidan was gone now.

She kept thinking he might come back. Praying that he couldn't live without her. But he didn't. All her fantasies of going to find him stayed just fantasies because a little voice in the back of her head kept whispering _If he loves you, he'll come back._

She despised that mocking self defeating little voice. It was the sound of her fear and doubts and insecurities talking. It was the same little voice whispering _Take what's yours, take it, take it, take it, _that made her throw herself at Ryan last year, and try to claim Spike as her own. It always led her astray but she couldn't ever ignore it.

Jake Martin waved a hand in front of her face. "You in there?"

"Oh! Yeah, I'm here. Ho, ho, ho and all that jazz."

"That wasn't very cheery," Zach said.

"Pathetic," Kendall agreed.

Greenlee gave them a strained smile. They had made it through the fall out of the secret coming to light. They were still together and happy. Ryan and Annie also put all the pieces of their life back together once he regained his memory. They were squeezed around this table too, looking the picture of a happy couple. Amanda was there with Jake, already two months pregnant with his child.

_Good for them_, Greenlee thought, _All so happy in love. They deserve it. Sure they do. I'm the only one who doesn't get to have a happy ending. Maybe I was a fool for thinking I would ever have one after Leo died. I must not want one. I said no...I told the man I love no...and he believed me. Happy freaking Christmas to me. My present this year? Loneliness and turkey for one. Yippee_!

"I know the holidays can be hard," Ryan started

"Oh geez, here comes the pity," she moaned. " I can not stand any more pity! Really."

"But you have good friends to help you get through it."

"And we're here for you. Aren't we, honey?" she asked Jake. "And we might even know someone to fix you up with. Tell her, Jake."

"There's a doctor down at the hospital whose been divorced about a year.." Jake started.

"I don't want a recently divorced doctor for Christmas. All I really want is another drink." Greenlee yelled out to Del to bring them another round.

An hour later she was climbing on the bar, totally wasted and ready to give everyone at ConFusion an earful. "Hear ye! Hear ye! Merry Christmas all you happy and in love people."

"Someone get her down," said Annie "She's gonna break her neck."

Ryan headed over to try and lift her down but she darted away. "Wait...wait...I have something I want to say! Listen up everyone...listen...Christmas is a time to be with the people you love...to be happy! Everyone should be happy. I want to be happy but I can't be cause I sent the man I love off to jolly old England..." she didn't notice as Aidan walked into the club. "But he didn't go to England cause I might have found him there...see we were supposed to go there together! But I said no!"

Zach said "Greenlee time to get down now."

"I said no! Because he hurt me by having sex with my best friend but I hurt me when I sent him away. So if you love someone...all you happy drunk people...if you love him..." she pointed at Julia Keefer "and if you love her" she pointed at Josh Madden "then say it! Don't say no. Don't! Say YES! Say I love..." Her eyes moved to the door and she saw Aidan. Breathlessly she whispered "you."

(_Even if your hands are shaking  
and your faith is broken._

_Even as the eyes are closing,  
do it with a heart wide open._

Say what you need to say!  
Say what you need to say!  
Say what you need to say!  
Say what you need to say!) ( John Mayer)

**Note- if you wonder why the dream took place from Greenlee's perspective that is because Greenlee and Aidan had the same dream at the same time.**


	24. Forgive, part four

**Forgive Me All This**

**Chapter Four**

**December 25th , 2008**

Greenlee Smythe was sick of pushing her feelings down. Sick of wearing a happy face when her heart was broke in two. Sick of herself and the mess she called her life. Without Aidan life was just a thing to get through. She was going through the motions and that's all she would ever do...as long as she was without her soulmate.

But she wouldn't let other people suffer the same fate as her. _Oh no_, her drunk mind told her, _that can not be allowed to happen! You must warn the good people of Pine Valley. Spread your wisdom_.

So, on Christmas Eve, when ConFusion was packed with people, she crawled onto the bar and started ranting about love. She ended her tirade with "Don't say no. Don't! Say YES! Say I love..."

Her eyes squinted into the darkness and then she went silent.

She couldn't believe what she was seeing. Shivers shot through her body and tears flooded her eyes, when she spotted Aidan standing near the doors of the bar. She finished her sentence with a whisper "you."

He walked toward the bar, slowly, wearing a shy smile that set her heart thumping wildly in her chest. She never would have believed, if you told her three years ago, that he was the one. Never. But he was.

When she was at her lowest point, a bitter and broken woman, she had begged God to grant her just one thing: Ryan's baby. And when her prayer was answered, the answer was no. For months and months she couldn't make sense of that. But then Aidan became not just some guy she knew, but the only man who knew her at all, and Greenlee finally understood why she wasn't the mother of Ryan Lavery's son. All along God had been saving her for Aidan, saving her from even herself and all the things she swore she wanted. It took going through hell, more than once, to see that Aidan was her version of heaven on earth. So to see him walking toward her on that night, it was as if she saw her whole future, her children, her happiness, her pure joy, all resting in his eyes.

Aidan walked all the way up to the bar. The place was silent as everyone watched him. Greenlee looked down at him and said, in awe, "You're here. You're really here." Then she added in a louder tone "I'm not hallucinating right? You are here? Does everyone else see him?"

"Need me to pinch you to prove I'm real?" he asked

Placing her hands on his shoulders, Greenlee allowed Aidan to lift her down off the bar. Her body slid down his before her feet landed on the floor. He said "It didn't seem right to spend Christmas away from my best girl."

She slapped his chest. "I better be your only girl, buddy!"

He brushed her hair out of her face with both his hands and murmured her name. She burst out into tears and wailed "Why did you stay away so long?"

Kendall rushed toward her but Aidan put up a hand to hold her back. He lifted Greenlee up into his arms. He started to head out of the bar. Annie grabbed Greenlee's purse and shoved it into her arms. In the parking lot, with Greenlee still in tears, half due to being wasted and half because she was on overload with emotions, Aidan fished her keys out of her purse. He unlocked her car and set her in the passenger seat, then got behind the wheel. Before driving off, he wiped away her tears and said "You got to know, staying away from you, that was the last thing I ever wanted to do. And the hardest thing...the hardest thing I ever lived through. My life is worth nothing if you ain't my girl. Maybe I don't deserve you but if you take me back I can promise you, Greens,..." he lifted her hand and placed it on his heart "I swear to you on my life, no one will ever love you more or better than I do."

She kissed with, with a frantic pace of a woman desperate for the man before her. "I missed you, Aidan. God, I missed you so much. Please tell me you weren't with anyone else cause I wasn't. I was yours...everyday I was yours. I'll always be yours. I could never love anyone more than I love you."

XXXXXXXXXXXX

**December 25th , 2008**

She woke up slowly, moaning in pain before her eyes even open. Greenlee's head was throbbing. Her hand reached out to turn off the alarm clock but hit a mass of hard male chest. Her eyes jerked open. "Oh my God!"

Aidan woke up with a start. He sat up quickly, looking in every direction. "What? What's wrong?"

"That wasn't a dream. Oh my God. Oh, my head. Oh, hell. I'm going to be feeling this hangover all day." She looked at him with wary eyes. "I asked you to stay?"

"You weren't in any position to ask anything. You passed out as I was driving us home."

"Oh." Her eyes searched his.

"Should I have left?" Confusion and hurt etched their way into his features. "I can go...if that's what you want. Uh, just let me find my pants. Uh...maybe we can meet for lunch later. Have a proper chat."

He was halfway off the bed when Greenlee placed her hand on his back. "Aidan...please, don't go. I'm just trying to piece together all of this. My minds a little fuzzy still."

He kept looking away from her. "That's fine. We didn't get much of a chance to talk last night. You were putting on quite the stage show on the bar at ConFusion when I walked in. I brought you home and tucked you straight into bed. I stayed but it doesn't mean I'm assuming anything so don't feel pressured."

Greenlee ran her hand over his shoulder, scooted close and rested her head there, while wrapping her arms around him. She sucked in a deep breath and then let it out. "This was my Christmas wish. Waking up with the man I love."

Aidan's tense posture relaxed and he turned his body towards her, gently bringing his lips to hers. When he pulled away he looked into her eyes and said "I'm so sorry I broke your heart. I never wanted to do that and I never will again, you have my promise."

"I'm sorry I broke your heart, too. I just didn't know how to forgive you for being human. Because in my eyes you're perfect...but I don't need perfect...I need you. I love you in spite of your faults. And I know I can do that because you've taught me how. That's just the way you've always loved me. Even when I'm a brat or a diva or a bitch, you love me. There's one more thing you have to learn before we go any farther through."

"Okay, hit me with it."

"If I tell you to leave me the hell alone...if I say you should go to London or Italy or the moon...ignore me. Know I'm just lying cause I'm pissed off and by the next day I won't feel the same. I know you left because you were sure we were over...but we can never be over. Never! I won't allow it. You're the ying to my yang, Aidan. The feng to my shui. We're a team and a team doesn't work unless it sticks together...why didn't you come back to me sooner? Were you not sure you wanted me still?"

He took both her hands in his, and bent to kiss them. "Did I want you? I wanted every beautiful, nutty, high maintenance piece of you. But you needed time...time to heal and forgive...time to really decide if I was worth giving your trust to again. My pushing you to get over everything quickly and to marry me...that was wrong. I didn't know how long I should stay away...maybe I waited too long but if I thought you wanted me here I would have been back in a second. I honestly didn't know what your reaction would be to seeing me. You could have slapped me silly."

"Slap this beautiful face," she said, as she ran her hand over his cheek. "Never. You're too pretty."

"Its handsome, Greens. Handsome. Pretty is what you call debutantes and cheerleaders."

She smiled. Then she started giving him quick kisses, and in between each one, she said happily "You're here...you're here...you're here...I love you." She pulled Aidan down onto the bed. "So, what did you buy me for Christmas?"

"Didn't really have time for much shopping this year."

"Such a man. You'll have to hit the after Christmas sales but for now..." She ran her hand down his chest. "There is something I really want."

"Oh yeah?" he teased.

"Oh yeah," she said before kissing him again.

(_If you forgive me all this  
If I forgive you all that  
We forgive and forget  
and it's all coming back to me_

_  
When you see me like this  
and when I see you like that  
we see just what we want to see  
all coming back to me_

_  
The flesh and the fantasies  
all coming back to me  
I can barely recall but it's all coming back to me now_

(its all coming back to me now)  
And when you kiss me like this  
(its all coming back to me now)  
And when I touch you like that  
(its all coming back to me now)  
If you do it like this  
(its all coming back to me now)

_  
And if we...) _( Celine Dion)


	25. forgive, last part

**Forgive Me All This**

**Chapter Five**

**December 25th , 2008**

Around ten pm, Greenlee and Aidan walked back into their apartment after eating dinner at Kendall's house. The guest list had included Reggie, Lily, Sean, Erica, Jackson, Myrtle, Bianca, Miranda, Maggie, Ryan, Annie, and Emma. And Greenlee was sure everyone of them, even the little kids, and Kendall and Zach had asked her when her and Aidan were getting hitched. Finally she had to say "No more marriage talk! He just came home. Give us some breathing room, okay? Jesus!"

After which Lily told her that it wasn't right to take the Lord's name in vain on Christmas. Which Greenlee had to agree with, so she apologized for her outburst. The night was filled with laughter and hugs, bickering and eye rolling. As wonderful as their loud and crazy family dinner was, she was thrilled to be back home with Aidan. It felt like a miracle to be able to curl up on the couch with him. Such a simple thing. But she would never take it for granted again.

Aidan kissed her forehead, as he wrapped his arms around her waist. "Merry Christmas, baby."

"This is my best Christmas ever. Seriously. I couldn't ask for more. Even if you had given me diamonds and pearls and gold, for the first time ever, I wouldn't even care..because I couldn't be more excited and happy than I am right now."

He kissed her and then whispered "Oh, I think you could be."

She smiled. "You're insatiable."

"For you, always." But instead of making love to her right then, Aidan laid back on the couch and pulled Greenlee on top of him, hugging her close. The lights of the Christmas tree were the only illumination in the room. "Greens, I could die a happy man today."

"Don't even talk that way! I need you around to grow old with me. You don't think I'm raising our four kids alone do you?"

"Four?" he choked out.

"Did you want five?"

"Uh...well, whatever you want, I suppose."

"You don't sound too sure. You still want kids, don't you?"

"Of course I want to have kids with you. Even if we got to go with a surrogate or adopt or see one of those fertility specialists...whatever it takes...you can count on me. I'd do anything to create a family with you. But four...that's a lot of family."

She smiled. "Well, I guess we can work out the details down the road. We don't have to rush, you know. Of course, I always want everything now, now, now but I've learned that flinging myself into things sometimes just makes a mess out of everything I wanted to be so simple and perfect. I don't want to do that to us. When the moment is right to get engaged, get married, have babies...we'll know. But you best believe that the only man I want to do all that with, Aidan, is you. I'm going to be Greenlee Devane...you can best your last dollar on that one."

"Future Mrs. Devane, you've made me a very happy man, do you know that?"

"Oh, yeah, I know."

Aidan smiled. Greenlee brought her lips to his, right before they connected she said, "And you've made me an ecstatic woman. Because you're home and you love me still."

"Always, always, always," he murmured and then their lips came together.

_(These are the moments I thank God that I'm alive._

_These are the moments I'll remember all my life._

_  
I found all I've waited for  
And I could not ask for more _) (Edwin McCain)

XXXXXXXXXXX

**April 2009**

Aidan walked onto the yatch. He had gotten a phone message from Greenlee for him to meet her there. "Hello? Greens?"

He walked below deck and found her in one of the bedrooms. Candles were on every surface. She wore a simple black dress and bare feet. As soon as she spotted him, a sexy smile curved her lips. "You made it!"

She was in his arms in a second and kissing him before he could even ask who owned this boat. Kissing her felt so right that Aidan was tempted to not even give a damn if they were stowaways and just make love to her right then and there. Greenlee pulled away though and asked "You like?"

"You? I love you, baby." He kissed her again.

Smiling she pulled away and said "I mean this yatch! She's ours. I bought her today for my big surprise." She took his hand and lead him over to the bed.

He said "I think I'm gonna love this surprise."

She forced him to sit down and then kneeled in front of him. She pulled out a ring box. "Surprise."

There eyes held for a long moment as Aidan realized what she was about to do.

_(Looking in your eyes-_

_seeing all I need._

_  
Everything you are is everything to me.  
These are the moments  
I know heaven must exist._

_  
These are the moments I know all I need is this._

_  
I have all I've waited for  
and I could not ask for more.)_

For months he had wanted to propose to her but she said that she would tell him when the time was right to talk marriage again. She took hold of one of his hands and said "Aidan Devane...you are one amazing guy...you put up with me...my moods, my selfishness, my addiction to shoes...you never complain when I make us late for dinner cause I change my clothes three times...or when I bitch about Kendall being too much to put up with, when you know I don't mean a word of what I say but I have to say it anyway...you've pulled me out of a bomb shelter and out of my own head, my own misery, and through my coma...you've saved my life, my heart and my hopes."

"And you've done all that for me right back."

"Did I? I hope I did. Because I'd do anything for you. Everything for you. I love you...not despite it all, Aidan. Because of it all. Because I hate being me when I'm away from you and because you swear you're not happy if you're away from me."

"I'm not even worth being around if I don't have your love, Greens. If I don't know I can come home to you...I'm bloody worthless."

"Well I don't want you to be bloody worthless," she said with a smile "I want you to be happy! If you give me the chance, I will try to make you happy each and every day. Even on the ones when I'm pissed at you, I'll still try and make your life better than if you never fell in love with me. Cause, for me, the luckiest break that ever came my way was you, Aidan. To ever be separated from you again would kill me. I want to take this yatch and sail around the world with you. See everything, do everything! I want to have a big fabulous life and I want to share every second of it with you. Right here, right now, I love you more than I did five minutes ago. And tomorrow I'll love you even more than that. You make my heart expand...you've made it bigger than I ever could have thought it could be."

He kissed her hand. "You proved to me that I have a heart at all. I only played at love till I fell in love with you."

She opened the ring box. "This belonged to my grandfather. Will you wear it...for every day of the rest of your life...as my husband? Will you marry me, Aidan?"

"Damn right I will!"

"Yeah?"

"Yes. Definitely. I thought you would never ask." He swept her into his arms and they kissed. Then Greenlee slid the ring on his finger.

She said "Perfect fit."

Greenlee said "I never would have thought...before...me and you..."

Wearing a huge smile, he said "Nah, me either."

"I'm so glad."

"Yeah...yeah...me too."

One kiss lead to him laying her on the bed, lavishing her body with more and more kisses, till she was lost in the feel of him over her...the feel of being safe and on the edge at the same time...for so long Greenlee had been hopeless, trying to find the right fit with all the wrong men, never knowing that her whole future was right there in front of her eyes. Now she could finally see. And what she saw was beautiful...her whole life laying before her, day after endless days of being Mrs. Aidan Devane. For once, this spoiled and selfish woman...she could not ask for more.

(_I could not ask for more than this time together _

_I could not ask for more than this time with you _

_Every prayer has been answered _

_Every dream I have's come true _

_And right here in this moment is right where I'm meant to be _

_Here with you here with me..._

_I could not ask for more than the love you give me _

_cause it's all I've waited for _

_And I could not ask for more _

_I could not ask for more_) (Edwin McCain)

_**THE END **_


	26. Back to Good? Aidan and Annie

**All My Children**

**Back to Good?**

**September 2008**

Aidan seriously wondered why anyone in their right mind came to these parties that Zach and Kendall threw. It was always just a room full of uncomfortable people trying to act like they had more in common than a past filled with screwing each other over on a regular basis. His eyes moved across the room to look at his ex. She was smiling, either happy or pretending to be, and in another man's arms.

(_Its nothing._

_It's so normal _

_You just stand there _

_I could say so much  
but I don't go there cuz I don't want to_)

Chinese water torture would have been more fun than this-being shoved into a confined space with two women he used to date who both now pretended to be his friend while also blaming him for all the problems in the world including but not limited to: their falling sales at Fusion, the bridesmaid and wedding dresses they couldn't use now and also couldn't return, and global warming. The sad thing was he would gladly take the blame for all that and more, for anything Greenlee wanted to put on him, if she would just come back to him...to their life together, to all the dreams he didn't want to accept were dead now.

(_I was thinking _

_if you were lonely  
maybe we could leave here_

_and no one would know.  
At least not to the point that we would think so_) 

How could he bury fifty years of memories he wanted to create with her? The little house on the hill they were going to buy. The nights spent in each other's arms curled in their bed with the moonlight falling on her bare skin, and his arms pulling her tight against him. The_ kids._ It was the images of the children that haunted him most. But he would have given up the chance to ever hold those babies he saw so clearly in his head, and almost could hear calling him Daddy, if it meant Greenlee would want to share her future with him again. He would give up all he had and all he ever hoped of having...but he wouldn't give up on her. She was the first woman he had ever fallen in love with and she would be the last- his only real love.

So all summer long he had refused to accept it was over between him and Greenlee, even when she started to date Josh and even when she told Aidan that she forgave him but she could never love him again. When she walked away that day, he just stared after her, stunned and shivering under the hot August sun, watching the spot on the horizon where she had disappeared from his view. The beach had never felt so cold on a summer day before in his life.

Now he was back to being everyone's buddy and nobody's lover. It was wearing on him. Making his nerves frazzled. It had almost been easy when Greenlee wouldn't see him. He had felt like he was going insane then but he didn't know how much worse it could get. How watching her, from across the room like he was right now, kissing another guy could make his heart freeze in his chest- could make him feel numb and dead and forgotten.

"Hey," Zach said, passing him a beer, "have another. You look like you could use it. You alright?"

"Yeah," Aidan mumbled.

"Yeah?" Zach asked, searching his eyes. He stepped in front of him, blocking Aidan's view of Josh and Greenlee. "You sure?"

Aidan took a long slug of the beer. "I'm as cheery as ever, man. I just need some air."

(_Everyone here knows everyone here_

_is thinking about somebody else._

_  
It's best if we all keep this under our heads_)

He headed out the front door and found Annie standing out there. Her arms were wrapped around her thin waist as she stared up at the moon. She startled when she heard Aidan moving behind her, and spun to face him. Her face was wet with tears. She wiped them away hastily.

(_And I couldn't tell_

_if anyone here was feeling the way I do._

_  
But I'm lonely now and I don't know how  
to get it back to good_) 

Aidan said "Didn't mean to interrupt a private moment. I'll go..."

"No. You don't have to. Its not like we have any secrets between us," her tone was bitter but not harsh.

"That's probably the problem."

She raised an eyebrow.

Aidan nodded back toward the house. "Everyone's always butting into everyone else's business. We'd all do better to not be so...overlapped. People need to mind their own affairs instead of each other's and realize some things are secret cause they need to be. I know I would be a lot damn happier right about now if nobody knew about all the ways I messed up."

"So would I. All of them know about all the crazy ways I tried to hang onto Ryan and all of them know none of it worked. Its humiliating. When I was married to Ryan, I got so tired of everything that happened in our house being fodder for the gossip mill...being not even real until he ran and told Kendall and Greenlee about it and found out what they thought every little nuance of our life. I never wanted to divorce him but I'm glad I did. You know why?"

"Cause he's stuck on stupid? Or just stuck in the past? Cause he's no good in bed?"

She giggled then sighed. "No. Because when I saw him in there tonight, I was thinking about the life we used to share and he was thinking about how lucky he feels to share a child with _Kendall_- that connection that can't be broken- and how deep his friendship with _Greenlee _goes and how he gets all _Kendall'_s inside jokes that the rest of us can't even understand and how he has that ridiculous nickname for_ Greenlee. _I can't believe I got a sitter and got dressed up and came here tonight for this. I can't believe I expected to have a fun hanging out with Ryan and the two women I had to share his heart with. I'm not his wife anymore...but I'm still all tangled around his life and I'm sick of it!"

She stepped closer to him, and he could smell the faint traces of gin on her breath, mixing with the gardenia and vanilla laced perfume she wore. He held his beer in one hand. Aidan knew he should take a step back but he no longer had the energy to do the right thing anymore. It never got him anywhere anyway. It never brought Greenlee home.

(_This don't mean that you own me_

_Well this ain't no good._

_In fact it's phony as hell, yeah,  
but things worked out just like you wanted to._

_  
If you see me out_

_you don't know me._

_Try to turn your head_

_Try to give me some room  
to figure out just what I'm going to do)_

Annie looked up at him. "I'm sick of feeling cast off, aren't you? I'm sick of caring about someone who doesn't care about me back. I'm sick of being me. I need to be someone else. I need to feel something else." She raised one hand and brought it to the back of his head, running her fingers through his hair.

Aidan didn't bend down but he didn't push her away either. He wondered if it would feel good to kiss her. Oh, God, how he wanted to feel good again. How he feared he never would. And Annie was there, her tongue darting out to lick her pale pink lips, there asking him to make her feel alive.

He wanted to feel alive again too. He wanted to just feel anything other than the hurt that clung to his bones every second of every day now. He wanted to feel good again...but he wasn't sure he had the right to.


	27. back to good, part two

**Part Two**

He knew before he finally gave in and dipped his head that it wouldn't work...she wouldn't forget, he wouldn't be healed of every broken place Greenlee had made inside of him, but he was at the point where hoping for all that was just too much. His lips brushed over hers. She was a fragile beauty in his eyes: easily broken, easily adored, easily worshiped , easily destroyed. And she kissed like she knew all this about herself. Like she was frightened to feel and frightened of never feeling nothing again. Just as he really started to think about Annie and not everyone in the house behind him, Aidan heard the door open and the noise of the party wash over them then Greenlee's laugh being choked in her throat and Ryan coughing.

Annie and Aidan broke apart and faced the other couple. For one half of second Aidan had felt relief from his constant months long mourning period but now that was gone in the span of a blink, and he was staring into Greenlee's wide, heartbroken eyes.

(_Cuz everyone here hates everyone here _

_for doing just like they do._

_  
It's best if we all keep this quiet instead._

_  
And I couldn't tell_

_why everyone here was doing me like they do._

_  
But I'm sorry now_

_and I don't know how  
to get it back_

_to good_) 

Ryan broke the awkward silence. "Uh, I was just gonna...show Greenlee my new motorcycle, if we could get by..." He put his arm around Greenlee's waist and led her past them. Her hair fell in front of her eyes but not before Aidan clearly saw a tear slide down her face. He wanted to go after her but for what? She had Ryan to dry those tears from her...as she cried over Aidan being with someone else even though she swore she didn't want him...and she had Josh to warm her bed tonight and she had Kendall back as her best friend and she had the life she picked. He had nothing. When was someone gonna comfort him over that?

He noticed Annie shaking slightly. She was staring after where Ryan and Greenlee had walked around the garage, out of sight but never out of mind, it seemed to Aidan. He knew Greenlee would be the ghost in his heart till the second he died. And Ryan would probably be that for Annie. Aidan, at the moment, felt bad for her...how no one had warned her...when everyone knew: Ryan and Kendall and Greenlee would always forgive each other, always love each other, always go beyond the limit to save each other and always do their best to break each other, in the name of love. But they would never feel even a fraction of that for any on the outside of their sacred trinity. Everyone else's sins would go unforgiven and everyone's else's pain would never matter as much as theirs. He should have told her...someone should have told him.

Annie said "I'm glad I'm drunk. The way he immediately thought about her hurt feelings and getting her out of here...that would have really stung otherwise."

"You are lucky you're drunk. Cause I'm not. And believe me...it hurts like a bitch."

They both turned their heads, looking sideways at each other. She forced a shaky smile on her lips. "About me kissing you..."

"I was the one that kissed you."

"I came on to you first and-"

"I took it there, Annie. I could have walked away if I didn't want to."

"Walk away to what, though? There's no where to go anymore is there? But home to all that space on the other side of the bed. All the empty albums that won't ever be filled. All the closet space where you would rather have their clothes hanging. All the...what might have been that only you care about cause they sure don't. I don't know about you but I'm glad they saw us kissing cause...its about time they realize that we aren't sitting around waiting on them to come back. I'm moving on. I'm over him."

"Sure, you are. Me too. So over it," he lied with a smile that barely turned up the corners of his lips. "Lets get back inside. Who knows what big dark secret someone is about to spill? It wouldn't be a party unless someone's life got messed up, now would it?"

"Around Pine Valley? No, it wouldn't?"

They walked back inside to find Josh talking to Zach, while Kendall was chatting up Amanda and Jake. Frankie and his girlfriend were leaned close to each others, so in love and happy that it made Aidan feel sick to even glance their way. Annie sighed and said "I need another glass of wine and to take off these heels." She placed her hand on his arm to steady herself and stepped out of them. "That's so much better."

He looked down at her, giving her a sad little smile. He almost wished he could take her home with him tonight and replace all his pain with pleasure, ridding his heart and soul and mind of thoughts of the woman he would never again. He hadn't ever been tempted to be with another woman since Greenlee ended their engagement but tonight he was tempted. Because tonight he was at the point where he truly believed Greenlee was never going to be his again.

(_Well everyone here is wondering what it's like to be with  
somebody else._

_  
And everyone here's to blame._

_Everyone here gets caught up in the pleasure of the pain_.)

Annie whispered "I wish what happened outside between us could have been our little secret. It'd be great to have just one thing not be public news, you know? Just have one thing be...off limits. Wouldn't you like that?"

But that wasn't how it worked in this group. Aidan knew it could never be that simple. They were all tied together with strings that crisscrossed and kept them from ever moving to far away from each other. And the worst part was that none of them really wanted to cut those strings. Then it would be over. Then it would be too late to fix all their mistakes.

He was sure it was too late with Greenlee but it was also too soon to be with Annie. Maybe Aidan would stay in this limbo for life. Maybe Annie would too. All he knew right then was he couldn't take her home with him and forget...because he didn't want to forget Greenlee yet. And maybe he never would.

"Hell," Aidan told Annie "I would love that. But I don't get what I love."

"Me either," she breathed the words out. "Me either."

He leaned over and kissed her cheek, just as Ryan and Greenlee walked back in. All their eyes met again.

(_Well everyone here _

_hides shades of shame._

_But looking inside we're the same._

_We're the same._

_  
And we're all grown now._

_Yeah but we don't know how  
to get it back to good_) 

Ryan said "I was wanting to talk to you, Annie...about Emma and her field trip next week. I wanted to chaperone if you don't want to...could we... go into the kitchen? Get a drink?"

"All right," she said uneasily. With one last look at Aidan, Annie followed Ryan into the other room, back into the tangled web they had woven just because they had dared to fall in and out of love.

Aidan said to Greenlee "You look...good tonight. Great...dress." Each word was stilted, pushed out through a wall of pain.

"You don't have to do that. Say something nice to me. Try and make me feel better. I'm fine." Her tone was defiant, her eyes just a little to shiny to really be as unaffected as she claimed. "You can kiss whoever you want. We're just old friends now. I want you to be happy...like I am with Josh. We're all young and sexy and rich-"

He chuckled, despite the heartache that colored his every moment. "Well some of us more than others."

She smiled. "And we should all be happy, happy, happy. If kissing Annie makes you happy...then I'm fine with that. I'm _fine_, Aidan."

After she walked back to Josh, Aidan muttered "Well that makes one of us."

He looked across the room and caught Kendall's eyes, and at the same moment they both turned and watched Josh pull Greenlee into a hug. Aidan could almost hear her thinking the same thing he was, and the same thing Annie thought when she looked at Ryan, and what Ryan thought when he looked at Kendall, and Zach thought when he looked at Greenlee, remembering the eggs of hers he destroyed- all her chances for happiness- and the child he made his own when he had no right, they all thought the same thing, and they thought it often: _I never meant for it to work out this way_.

(_Well everyone here knows everyone here _

_is thinking about somebody else._

_  
And it's best if we all keep this under our heads._

_  
See, I couldn't tell, if anyone here was feeling the way I do  
but it's over now, and I don't know how..._

_it's over now  
there's no getting back to good_.) (Matchbox Twenty) 


	28. Can't Go On, Zach and Annie

This is my first try writing Zach/Annie. I'm writing them as practice for writing them in a longer fic in the future.

This story starts on the day of Angie and Jesse's wedding and this scene is set before any violence took place.

**Can't Go On**

"Hey," Zach asked, his voice so low it could barely be heard, as he stood behind her at the wedding, "why don't you let me take you home?"

She didn't turn around right away, instead she kept staring at the image of her husband and his ex- fiancée walking off together. Ryan and Kendall...if it wasn't that former lover she was coming in second place to, it was the one after her, Greenlee. But there was no doubt about it, Annie's last name might be Lavery but she was not, and probably never would be, Ryan's first choice.

Zach murmured, while he touched her shoulder, "Come on now...I'll give you a lift."

Slowly Annie turned to face him. "How do you do it? How do you let your wife walk off with her ex...after saying they have stuff they just have to talk about...to figure out!...alone...and you stay cool as a cauliflower over it."

He smiled and chuckled. "Cucumber."

"What?" Annie searched his eyes and then chuckled a little too. "What does a cucumber have to do with this? Is that the key to not caring who your spouse is more emotionally attached to than you?"

"No. I don't know what the key to that is. Trust, I guess. What I meant...what you said...the saying is cool as a cucumber, not a cauliflower."

She smiled slightly. "Oh."

"Come on," he nodded his head to the side "lets get out of here. The party's definitely over for us."

Annie walked next to Zach as they headed outside to the parking lot. "When is this going to end with Ryan and Kendall and for that matter with Ryan and Greenlee? I can't take much more. He gets his memory back more and more each day but he still feels more for them than me...its killing me...its making me someone I don't even like...so how can he like me again? How can he love me again? I'm losing him twice over...what we had and what we could have...I'm letting my daughter's father slip through my hands and I can't do a damn thing about it! Because I can't go back in time and be the one who he loved before he ever knew Kendall, and before he left her from Greenlee and set up this sick triangle that never seems to end. AAHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Zach stopped walking and looked at Annie. "Feel better now?"

"Little bit."

"Good."

They started walking again. Annie asked "Seriously though why aren't you more upset? Your wife is off with another man right now and earlier tonight Greenlee was yelling about Kendall and Aidan...sleeping together...I'm sorry about that, by the way."

He shrugged it off, not showing his pain over all of it. "You don't got nothing to be sorry about."

"Tell me, Zach, how do you let this not get to you?"

"It gets to me. I burned down a cabin." He shrugged again.

"And that made you feel better?"

"Better yes. Over it all...no. But, hey, I knew what I got into when I married Kendall. I knew all about the...unique thing...that is known as triad of Kendall, Ryan, Greenlee. Family, Friends, Enemies...in love...in hate...in war...they are with and against each other every day of their life but, even if they are thousands of miles apart, they are still together. I can't change that. But I love my wife and when she's done with them...when the screaming has all been done and the tears all cried and the madness settled down... she'll come home to me, like she always does."

"Will you be waiting for you when she does?"

They had made it to the car and Zach unlocked it.

"Tonight, yeah...don't know about tomorrow yet...I'll let tomorrow figure itself out."

Looking over the top of the Mercedes, Annie softly spoke "Can I ask you something?"

"Ask me anything. We're family, right?"

"That's what they tell me."

He just stared at her until she spoke again "Do you think I can win Ryan back? If I fight dirty...if I scratch and claw and beat back Kendall and Greenlee...do you think I could make him really mine again?"

"You got to ask yourself...if you got to do all that...if he won't even stick around long enough to make sure you get home safe...do you still want him?"

(_Who's gonna tell you when  
it's too late?_

_  
Who's gonna tell you things  
aren't so great?_

_  
You can't go on  
thinking nothing's wrong._

_  
Who's gonna drive you home tonight ?) ( The Cars)_

Annie's lips quivered and she ducked her head down, as she climbed into the car, leaving the question answered.

Zach drove for a while and then said "Sorry about that. I'm not telling you to give up on him...all I really want, you know, is our family to go back to being okay...cook outs for the kid's birthdays, hockey games that you girls don't really want to be at but you cheer anyway- for the wrong team sometimes but its cute- and Emma to have her Dad home...for you to have your husband and me my wife...the one who doesn't keep secrets from me and risk our life together over them...over Greenlee and Ryan...but you know what..." He let out a deep breath. "There was always a Greenlee and Ryan and there will always be a Greenlee and Ryan...and that's fine...I care about them both."

"But don't you ever feel like...don't you feel like...Kendall could lose you and still be okay, but if she loses them...the world comes to an end? Cause I feel that way about Ryan."

Zach stopped at a red light. He reached out and touched her hand, patting it. "Hey now...you matter, okay? You matter to this family...you matter to me."

She leaned toward him, drawn to his kind words like a moth to a flame.

In that moment, all Annie could think was that Zach was saying to her all the things Ryan should. He was being her rock- when Ryan should be. He was being the man she needed to take care of her- he was holding her up, when Ryan was letting her fall down.

_(Who's gonna pick you up  
when you fall?_

_  
Who's gonna hang it up  
when you call?_

_  
Who's gonna pay attention  
to your dreams?_

_  
Who's gonna plug their ears  
when you scream?_

_You can't go on  
thinking nothing's wrong._

_  
Who's gonna drive you home tonight ?)_

XXXXXXXXXXXX

Zach followed her into the Penthouse. The gown she wore highlighted the fact she was a undeniable beauty. Still her features were creased with a sadness that twisted his heart at the sight of it.

Annie Lavery- a broken hearted fallen angel. Zach had wanted so much more for her, for all of them really, than to end up like this.

He couldn't help but feel bad for her, mad at her husband for putting her in this situation, and depressed for himself...cause if Annie lost her hold on Ryan...that meant the end of this whole saga would not be simple. It would not be their family going back to the days when Annie and Ryan and Emma were a strong little unit that could not be broken. When they were all happy and loyal to each other...when no one was confused about where they belonged.

They said good- bye to the sitter and then Zach asked Annie "You gonna be okay now?"

Before she could answer, Emma started screaming upstairs. They ran up there and found that she had a nightmare. Annie held her while Zach said "Hey, there, pretty girl...there are no monsters here...just family...Just people who love you. And when you have that around you...you can't be hurt by anything. Believe me?"

Emma nodded, and then buried her face on her mother's shoulder. Annie whispered "Its okay, baby. Shh...time to go back to sleep."

"Sing to me, mama."

Annie's eyes got wide with embarrassment as she looked at Zach. "Not tonight, baby. How about a story instead?"

"Sing, please, mama."

Zach said "Yeah, mama, sing for us."

Annie smiled. Softly she sang "This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine. This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine. This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine, let it shine, let it shine, let it shine."

When Emma had drifted back to sleep, Annie and Zach went back downstairs. She said "Thanks for helping me with her."

"You did it all."

"Ryan used to help me calm her fears...make her feel safe...but not so much anymore." Annie ran her hands through her hair, and suddenly she started to shake and shiver, breaking apart right before Zach's eyes, as if it was all hitting her full force right now. Tears filled her eyes.

She tried to play it off and held her chin up, turning away from him, but he reached out and pulled her into a hug, and murmured "Hey...come here...its okay."

Zach knew he could not fix this for her. Hell, he might not even be able to fix this for himself. But one thing that would never change was the fact that Annie was his family...Annie and Emma both...he brought them into his heart and he would not abandon them, even if everyone else in their lives did. Even if Annie and Emma were last on the list for Kendall, Greenlee, and Ryan...they were not for Zach.

Cause he knew all too well what it was like to wonder if you were essential or disposable to them. He loved Kendall and he would hold on as long as he could...but he wouldn't tell her to stop loving Ryan and Greenlee...it would be useless to try.

There might not be a way to save his marriage or for Annie to save hers...but they were family all the same. Forever.

He would not run from her during the hard times.

Zach stroked her hair, as her shuddering body, wracked with sobs, pressed close to his. "Aw, Annie...just cry it all out...cry it all out..."

"You... shouldn't have to... be the one to hold... me. It should...be him...It should be..." Her words were low and breathless, all broken. "I can't go on... like this... anymore. I'm leaving him...don't hate me, Zach. I tried...I tried...I can't keep this family together...not anymore."

He looked deep in her eyes. "You can never lose this family...this is your family, Annie. And it always will be. You do what you have to...we'll be here for you."

"We?" she asked, raising an eyebrow.

They both knew that the rest of their crowd could kick her to the curb on Monday and forget her name by Tuesday and be enjoying cocktails around the pool on Wednesday, in hate...in love...in war...together...and it would be like she had never known them at all. Cause they didn't need her to keep the triangle strong.

Zach told Annie "_I _will always be here for you, okay? You got my word."

"Thank you...thanks...I need somebody I can still believe in."

He nodded and hugged her again. Finally...he was the one someone just could not do without. Every man on earth needed to be that to one woman. It should have been his wife...but he hadn't been here before she met Ryan and Greenlee...so Zach would never be the one Kendall could not survive without, but he could still be that for the woman he held that night- his friend and his family Annie.

He would not let her shatter unnoticed.

(_Who's gonna hold you down  
when you shake?_

_  
Who's gonna come around  
when you break_?)

THE END


End file.
